New Years Resolutions & lack thereof!

If you're anything like me you spend more time planning your New Years Resolutions than actually doing them. I like to blog about it, plan it all out, make lists so I can feel accomplished when checking things off but then never actually do it. This coming year we are bringing a new baby into our home, a small three bedroom home, and we really have to crack down on organization and clutter. We seriously are some of the most organized people I know, thank you Type A personality and OCD. However, I feel like everywhere I look there's something I don't need... extra spatula's, girls leggings that won't go with one single shirt they have so they're useless. We overbuy in bulk because we got a sale or a good deal, sure it saves us money but then my sanity goes out the window when I open the storage closet and 20 rolls of toilet paper, 50 bars of soap and extra shampoo fall out. I have prom dresses, bridesmaids dresses, shoes I won't ever wear again now that I am a mom and can't rock 5 inch heels. I have pots and pans I will never use, platters, extra blankets that aren't my style but I keep for a cold day... I need to get rid of all of it! So, if you're in need of any of that let me know - I will gladly send it your way so I don't have to make ten trips to the donation bins. 

I've been listening to podcasts and it's really helping me simplify my home and mind these last few months. I've realized that God will give us what we need, He will provide my family everything we need that we haven't even asked for. I have felt so much better about being simple and not needing 5 of every item in the girls closets, 5 of every kind of measuring cup, etc. 

The Purposeful Home podcast talks about choosing a word for your New Years Resolution instead of listing off resolutions that you'll never complete. They speak about living by your word and if you do that you'll be happier, feel more complete and have an overall better year. To do lists are stressful. To do lists are ONE more thing, or ten, we feel stressed about needing to complete in time for our resolutions to be over and thennnn we can feel happier, more content. In my eyes, it's all about choosing something that you know is doable, choosing something that brings JOY and HAPPINESS. 

My word for 2017: SIMPLE

Simple: free of complication, free from vanity, free from ostentation or display. 

Just SIMPLE. I want a simple home, simple, clean, clutter free home, life, car, playroom, bedrooms, closets, drawers, bookshelves, garage, shed, etc. Just SIMPLIFY my life and I will be less stressed, more content and HAPPIER. I know, that by choosing a word instead of a to do list or setting an unrealistic goal I will be a more simple minded, happier mom, wife and overall better person. 

That being said, in order to make my life more simple I did make a to do list... because that's what TYPE A, OCD people do, right? It's not unachievable  it's just things that in order to make my life happier, clutter free and simpler I need to complete prior to my resolution beginning. So, this is my to do over Christmas break list...

Playroom: We have an overabundance of TOYS. We have learning games, card games, board games, puzzles, blocks, and about 5 of each kind of toy. I think that's excessive. I need to simplify and let them pick their favorite things. I know which ones they play with, which ones they don't. A lot of it is hand me downs and just clutter, taking up space that we don't have once baby comes. I am happy to donate toys to make room for baby, especially ones the girls won't miss! 

Goal: Organize everything in containers. All the toys need a home. Donate toys they won’t use.

Closets/Clothing: This year I redid the girls' closet, I got rid of the dresser and changed it all into cube storage with a bench on top. I donated a TON of clothes that didn't match anything, or fell into the category of "mom, I don't like wearing those jeans that itch me". I love donating things to kids in need, so this was a win-win! For me, I am certainly not disciplined enough for a capsule wardrobe although, the idea sounds fabulous and right up my alley. I like lots of leggings, hoodies and comfies and get caught up in the sales of my favorite things a lot. Nordstrom sucks me in, and I follow the Living In Yellow blog and she always posts a good deal that I always find myself convincing Dan, "I have to have this". Don't judge, we've all been guilty of it! I need to get rid of things I haven't worn in the last 6 months to a year, things I don't love and things that don't spark joy. I also recently talked to a trusty friend, blogger, and real life internet friend, Jillian over at Hey Jillian. She helped me so much with finding my style and that led me to a Pinterest board, and deleting most of my closet that didn't fit into my Yin-Dramatic wardrobe or love of comfies. (If you haven't read her blog you NEED to! Go click that link right now... or after you finish reading this works too). I read somewhere that you should be able to tell your husband to go into your closet, pick anything and you'd be happy wearing it out on a date night. I can't trust him to do that right now, not because he doens't have good style, but only because I have bad style in old clothes, clothes I am saving for when I lose 10 lbs, clothes I loved when I wore everything from The Buckle. I need to just donate it and get it over with. So I need to donate things out of everyone's closets that we just won’t wear. PS: this is probably the third time I have done it this year and I am super excited about it because I get rid of more and more each time.

Goal: only keep simple, matching, & versatile clothing for everyone. If it doesn't spark JOY, doesn't fit or I wanted to keep for that magic ten pounds to fall off it leaves the house.

Bedding: We have an entire closet in the hallway that's being taken up by sheets and bedding that we don't need! I only need to keep two sets per bed in the house, donate old crib sheets and sets that we won't use or don't like. I kind of feel childish keeping all of my printed snowflake sheets. It's time to be an adult, right? 

Goal: Donate old, and ugly, bedding.

Kitchen: This is where my weakness falls. I like to shop for kitchen utensils, especially now that Joanna Gaines is in Target... weakness overload! I love Pampered Chef, and eventually plan to change out most of what I can to their line. However, that means throwing away the old stuff when I get the new, which is hard to do.

Goal: clean out all of the drawers, toss old cook wear that's not safe to use, or burnt beyond recognizing the color anymore, donate nicer things we won’t use like duplicate spatula’s and serving spoons, nice serving trays from our wedding... that never have been used. Oh, and save up for some nice new pots and pans! 

Living room: We don't have much in the living room that's clutter. We have a huge bookshelf, and we use ALL of those books. I don't think I could part with any of them. I need to get into the TV cabinet, organize movies, match up all the DVD cases, and clean out the junk electronics drawer. We have an entire drawer full of chargers, cords, etc. that just need to have a home or go. 

Goal: get rid of junk we don't use, or that doesn't have a purpose... like that old calculator that I used for math in high school. Anyone need it? 

Bathrooms: I seriously have too many products and this year I have been working on narrowing down my routine (makeup, face, hair) to some trusty products I just can't live without. That's really hard to do when you've been pregnant three times and your skin needs different methods of love and moisturizing routine at different times. I have accumulated a lot of crap over the years that's probably expired or I just don't remember I have it. So, my goal is to go through all of that, narrow my routine down, get it all consolidated into one area and donate. 

Goal: donate all old blow dryers, hair products, seriously quit over buying in bulk or quit buying new products when my old ones aren't gone yet.

Cleaning/over flow storage closet: We have this closet in the hallway that's filled with cleaning things i.e; vacuum  swiffer, steam mop, steam cleaner. But the other half of the closet is filled with our dress clothes that don't get worn but a couple of times a year. Seriously, where do you keep those items? They certainly don't fit in the one closet we share in our room. So, we have suits, dresses, special occasion gowns, bridesmaid dresses,  ugh... the list goes on. 

Goal: Donate old clothes, dresses, organize baskets, store old picture frames in trunk downstairs.

Basement: The basement is a catch-all for junk, things we don't use and then forget about and it really could be a great area for family movie time, games, parties, if we just cleaned it up and gave it a face lift without spending money. The problem is, it's split off into sections: the storage area for old clothes from the girls which consists of over 5 totes of clothing, gift storage closet/seasonal decor, food overflow (canned/boxed), and then the other side is a play area with MORE toys the kids don't ever play with, and my painting, sawing, craft area with more clutter. It's a headache. 

Goal: 

Organize girls clothing totes in basement, donate things I wont use for baby #3 or London.

I think I literally have seven or eight totes in the basement with girls clothes that are from 2012-2013 when Lennon was little that sure, yes they're great but the baby will likely never wear them. Organize and donate things we don’t use: Girls clothing totes, cookwear, paint cabinet, tools, baby toys.

Alright, I will likely add more to this, mentally, as I go along and just this morning through writing this and taking little breaks I got a TON done. I need hubby's truck and his muscles to lift the boxes I have already filled in the basement!!! This is fun! 

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Healthier in 2018 

Here are a few of the changes we are making:

- No more plastic bags! I have to admit that we are really bad at being wasteful and bad for the environment. We literally use plastic for everything every time we go to the grocery store, even Aldi's reusable bags are plastic so when they wear down and get ripped we often toss them. We use plastic produce bags, meat bags, grocery bags, reusable grocery bags. We find that we end up using them for easy clean up of dog poop in the yard, poopy diapers, cleaning up messes, throwing away large items, etc. and in reality we end up throwing a lot of them away in the regular trash instead of recycling them like we should. I bought some biodegradable dog waste bags in bulk that we can use for diapers, walks with the dogs and poop in the yard too. I don't feel guilty about throwing those away since they're biodegradable. Diapers in landfills are awful and of course the chemicals aren't the best but we've tried the cloth route and it's soooo not for the faint of heart. Once Lon started solids I packed them up and I was done! So, overall I feel good about the little changes we are making to help out the world. We will buy more reusable cloth bags that we can wash and reuse for produce and groceries.

- I literally, just today, changed over my deodorant to an all natural, made in USA, aluminum free deodorant that actually has good reviews to work and not be irritating to your skin. After trying many and them totally failing me, I'm super excited to try the Native brand recommended by a good friend. Thanks, Kacy! 

- We are super excited to reduce our grocery bill from unnecessary wasteful things and make more room for more organic produce and meats. We already buy 90% of our produce organic and we have our freezer stocked with farm raised chicken but we really need to focus on less red meat, and the meat we do buy making sure it's organic, antibiotic, harmful chemical free. I want to start focusing on meal planning a lot more so we can cut down on how much food we waste, making more of our own foods and dressings that we often use and waste the end of the bottle too. I am most excited for baking my own bread to cut down on waste. We throw away so much bread because we don't eat it that often before it goes bad, and we don't really like it all that much anyway. I would much rather make our own!

A healthier 2018 for us also means spending more time with the kids and family and literally, just unplugging. We are going to stop posting everyyyyything on social media, and seriously cut back on TV/movie/iPad/iPod time. We won't be over-posting, commenting or sharing, instead we will be present in our kids lives and they'll be present in ours instead of in their iPads and TV and if you are curious about what's going on in our lives instead of following us on social media, follow us in real life and make yourselves present. It's really that simple. We finally took the TV out of our bedroom recently due to my friend's recommendation a long time ago. It's amazing how much it really helps us fall asleep, improves our sleep quality, we talk more, and actually spend more time together. We don't stay up late unless we are watching one of our favorite shows a couple of times a week, and we have been reading a lot more. Overall, I don't regret it one bit. You & Me Forever, by Francis and Lisa Chan, is a great book to start reading with your spouse on marriage, it's replaced our TV time for quality, bonding and marriage building time together and I highly recommend it. We really love it! 

Anyway, Happy New Year! Good luck with your own resolutions and most of all... unplug and keep it simple! 

XO, K. 

Grace Not Perfection

As a mom, a stay at home mom, I feel obligated to do it all; the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning, the appointments, dogs, school, kids (you know, keeping them fed, bathed, alive and all). And, when I'm not doing it all I am thinking of all that needs to be done. It's non-stop. What happens when we try, try, try and don't succeed at the end of the day? We often feel smothered as mothers if we try to manage everything, but even worse failures if we don't complete all of our daily tasks. I know I struggle with that daily. 

I have always been an OCD, Type A, list-maker, controlling about my own life, you name it, type of person. I became a mother and that didn't stop... it just made it 10x harder to deal with. I had to-do lists for myself, my child, my house, my work, etc. Then, I thought staying home raising my kids would be easier, more of a "break" mentally, not as exhausting as working at the office all day and still coming home to kids and a house to take care of. I had ALLLLLL DAYYYYY to complete my tasks, right? Bye-Bye long to-do lists, I thought. Wrong. Way wrong. 

I realized through staying home that I try to complete more projects, more tasks, I am always cleaning something but never feel like it's all completed at the end of the day. One of the kids makes a mess, the other one needs lunch made for tomorrow, dinner needs to be cleaned up, it's bath time and then when is there time to sit down and relax? At the end of the day I have been so guilty of saying "I just need my space... give me 5 minutes" or "please, just go to bed" instead of soaking up one more minute of snuggles as a family, or reading one more book before bed. 

I've been thinking lately that it can't be hard to let things go, even for a Type A, OCD, crazy person right? I mean, there are literally a million things on my to-do list right now... clean the bathtub, put the vacuum away, clean the playroom, vacuum my car, let the dogs in from outside, make lunch. 

I've been praying for answers ever since our mom group this week discussed living my grace not perfection. I have been deleting those house to-do lists and focusing on right now, not later. I made a list (of course) of ways to simplify my life and if you know me, these things are going to be so hard, but in the end the impact that it will have on my family is going to be worth it, I just know it.

• Only make simple to-do lists that I can complete in a realistic time frame and make it easy; laundry today, bathrooms tomorrow instead of all of it in one day
• Make the to-do lists fun instead of a chore that has to be done
• Simplify my phone, no more social media during the day (while London is awake) or at night during hubby time
• ME time i.e; London's nap time. Read the Bible, a good book, blog, take a nap (what's that? I almost forgot!)
• Laugh more - at everything, even the messes
• Spend more time with friends who live by grace and who love God
• Rinse dishes and put them in the dishwasher right away instead of letting them sit in the sink
• Pick up toys at the end of the day, or week, or whenever I can... instead of worrying about them being picked up after every time we play
• Set days of the week for chores and stick to it
• Leave the TV off until after the kids go to bed 
• Donate old clothes and shoes that I don't love, simplify my closet, wear what I love and not focus on new clothes, new trends and save money
• Embrace the messy, toy filled, crazy home we live in instead of worrying about the image of a Pottery Barn magazine one
• Stop pinterest-pinning the perfect home - it's already perfect because my family lives here! It's probably just a fad and will fade before my DIY look-alike project is complete anyway.
• Let them be little - I say this all the time but forget it sometimes when it's something that is reallllllly messy... like playdoh or watercolors (literally makes me cringe). Today, London was playing in the sink splashing in the running water. After telling her "no, no... you're making a mess..." and asking her to stop, she wouldn't of course. I literally walked away and said ya know what, it's fine... it's WATER and she's having fun. That was hard but, it was okay in the end and I wiped up the mess after she laid down for a nap. Happy toddler = happy mama. 
• Spend more time doing what I love
• Let go of what I can't control and embrace the changes

Back to School

Lennon survived her first week of school - and so did we, with little tears, lessening morning confusion as the week went on and lots of cool stories about her new friends!

She is officially in Young 5's, her teacher is just the sweetest, and she is in a school that we absolutely love. On her first day of school I was sure that I would cry my heart out but it went really, really well. We met up with some of her old friends, Maci and my mom, and we were able to get in some coloring time before lining up. She ran right to her teacher and walked hand in hand all the way to her classroom. It was adorable. I stayed with her until she got situated in her room and I snapped a few pics, of course. The day without her was really rough. London cried every day when we left the school saying "nennon". But, when we finally got back to school to get her I squeezed her so tight, I cried when I saw that sweet, excited smile on her face. She couldn't stop telling me about the old friends she remembered from preschool in her class and the new faces she met. I am so happy for her, it makes me so giddy hearing all about her day. 

First Day Traditions:

A yummy breakfast, and even yummier coffee to-go, and the first day photo (of course).

Her goals in life all seem to revolve around animals... Cat in the Hat, Veterinarian... at least she's sticking to the same theme here. Look at how much she's grown!

Smothered

Serious question time ... 

Have your eyes ever hurt to the point where you could cry?

Literally... they water and water to the point where you're asking yourself "am I really crying right now or just so exhausted?" I can't tell the difference lately. I'm emotional because I am so exhausted and I am so exhausted from being emotional about things I can't even control in life anymore. That's enough to make your head spin in circles like wondering which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Have you ever been so incredibly overwhelmed you don't know what to do? 

Scream, cry, or laugh at the stupidity of your overwhelming emotions? Lock yourself in a room and read the Bible because if you don't... Lord help those kids.

Oh, this one's good - have you ever put your kids down for a nap knowing darn well they might not even take one just to take a break from them for one-freakin'-second?

Better yet, has all of this happened in one day?

You really don't have to answer these, but I will.

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Sometimes motherhood is hard. Sometimes no one else cares about your to-do list.  Mother nature doesn't care if you have a playdate outside when she decides it's going to be 90+ degree's or rainy, so why should anyone else care about your emotional state when they dump 500 things on your plate to worry about, think about non-stop, or worry about doing by dinner time. Sometimes your husband doesn't care about the to-do list when he comes home exhausted from working all week and forgets that he still is part owner of this house and should lend a hand. Sometimes it's just all too much so you let the laundry pile up, don't wash the floors, don't dust for a week, and then in another week you're in the same boat - so freakin' overwhelmed.

I'll admit, I've always been a non-stop kind of gal. I like to be busy, I like to have a to-do list (because I like checking things off and feeling accomplished), and I like having errands to run... or I did, before I had two kids, two dogs and a house to take care of. Now, I like my house to be clean, spotless even, and I like to have order from the chaos. Organization, dishes put away, laundry in it's place, etc. I have to have it done for the sake of my sanity, and there's no changing that. I am such a type A person that I have to have things my way... or I will lose my shit.

Today, I am (quietly... which is rare) losing my shit. 

My kids are both laying down, in separate rooms and I don't think they're napping - I highly doubt they're napping - but they're being quiet and not tugging at my leg or fighting, or watching me silently lose it so, that's a plus. Today I want to give up on being a mom, a stay at home mom that is. I think. I want to stop thinking about things. I want to stop being the only person that can make breakfast, and lunch and dinner, and have to worry about the meals being healthy. I think too much. I think about caloric intake, sugar and if they're getting enough water throughout the day. I want to stop worrying about whether or not my husband will eat the dinner I am making because it has onion in it. I want to stop worrying about going to the store, getting necessities that aren't really necessities today, but tomorrow they will be. Like the milk carton that's almost empty... shit. I don't want to worry about other people but that's just in my blood. I come from a long line of lover's and doers and kind people that worry about everyone, even if it's none of their business. I worry about my family. I worry about my brother every second of every day, and what he's getting into next... but I shouldn't... not anymore... not after everything that's happened and what he's done. I shouldn't but I do. I am so overwhelmed because I am a fixer, and I can't fix this. Someone needs to, but no one can and that's the worst feeling in the world when you care about someone.

I worry non-stop, some might say that's a part of being a mother but geesssh, when does it end and when does it stop smothering you?

Smothered.

It's kind of like the chapter I keep re-reading in the book Present over Perfect called Stuffed. In this chapter author Shauna Niequist talks about being so stuffed with everything going on in her life that she misses things... friends, sleep, being kind to her kids, etc. That's EXACTLY how I feel. I read that part of the book and I collapsed inside with emotion. I literally felt like she was speaking right to me. Have you ever read a book that made you feel that way? It's pretty emotionally draining... and by draining I mean it literally drains the tears right from your heart... all over the book, the blanket you're snuggled up in. Everything. She is just.like.me. She talks about how she doesn't operate in the later.... she wants things done NOW and it is exhausting and is mainly the reason for all of this crap in life that is crumbling around her. I am the same way, I never know that I need a break until it's too late. I never understand the depth of my emotion until I come unglued and it all flows out like a waterfall... and everyone around me is drowning from it. I am doing this to my own family, friends, everyone. Drowning them. I get so tied up in the little things and make them big things, and then I forget about what matters most in life. I try to remind myself that it's not to-do lists, or errands or dinner plans, or grocery store runs every day. It's happiness, and time with my kids making memories and instead of craving time alone I should crave play-doh messes and coloring with my kids. But, I am a real mom and one that makes mistakes, and I am here to tell you that I don't crave those things... I should, but I don't. At the end of the day I crave silence, peace and quiet in a clean, toy free, mess free living room with a candle lit that a toddler won't touch. I crave a weekend away without my kids, but then when we get to where we are going I want to miss them like crazy and talk about them in all the ways good moms miss and talk about their children. I want to remember the times they made me laugh instead of pulling my hair out crying at them for not picking up their toys that the dogs just destroyed. I want to remember the good, extremely fun times that we have on GOOD days. Lately, there have been way too many bad days. WAY TOO MANY. I am a real mom, and as my real friends remind me of that when I need it most, I am a mom like every other mom out there who sometimes has a bad day, sometimes yells too much and feels guilty about it later and sometimes doesn't do the right thing every single time.... I am normal, for the most part. But, right now I don't feel normal. I feel overwhelmed and too emotional to function properly. I feel like no one listens, I feel like I am drowning... and the only thing I crave is balance, peace and happiness.

Something has to change. Am I really not cut out for this 24/7 stay at home mom life? Do I need adult interaction and conversations from someone other than my kids during the day? Am I really not cut out to be a well-balanced person who's happy all the time... why me? There is only so much that I feel like I can control in life and the rest is up to God. I pray that He helps me find balance and guidance to be a better mom and wife every day, and every night before bed I usually ask for forgiveness from being a total crap mom that day. 

I need an emotional, spiritual, happy break. A break that is long... like a 5 day break... on a beach in the Caribbean, with a margarita in one hand and my husbands hand in the other. The beach makes everything better.

"I'm going to make space to taste my life once again" - Shauna Niequist

If you don't have this book you NEED it - Present Over Perfect

Luke is barking because London is banging on the wall in her room from her crib letting me know very loud and clear that she's up from her nap (that she probably didn't take) and she's letting the whole world know she's ready to get out of there. Grrrrrrreat. Lennon got up and is immediately begging for a snack and water, and all the things she can totally do herself but won't... 

Guess that means my whine time is over for now. Time to go, take care of the kids who are hopefully happier and less crabby now... run outside or to the park to play, and then book a vacation to some desert island in the Caribbean and beg for my hubs to take a week off of work to go. (We can wish, right) Now, that's a to-do list I can handle. 

DIY: Shutter makeover

DIY projects are my jam for a few reasons:

A. It saves money (only if you do it the right way so do your research)

B. It makes you feel soooo good accomplishing something for your own home

C. I am kind of a remodelaholic

When I was pinteresting (of course), I found a photo of a house that they had redone the shutters on and it looked like a brand new home when they were done. Our home is a 60's brick house, green roof, green lantern lights and the shutters were of course pea-puke green after all the fading over the years. 

So I got this bright idea to change out (buy new) all of the shutters on the house. 

Little did I know that for brand spankin' new ones they'd be around $30-$35 a pair. 

So let's say we spend $35 a pair and we have 11 pair. 

You do the math, DIY is my forté, not math but you get the point... expensive! Yikes.

Back to pinteresting...

I found some amazing blogs and by I found some amazing blogs, I mean I read about 30 blogs on how to DIY shutters! Whew, talk about one exhausted but informed remodelaholic. I was debating between hand painting with a special paint made for outdoor and vinyl, or spray paint which this particular blogger used and it has held up fabulous! So I went with spray paint because it's cheaper and quicker! 

I convinced Dan that this was a fabulous idea and off we went to Home Depot. We bought spray paint, a drop cloth, spray grips, a mask and latex gloves. I would have bought TSP but I already had some on hand.

 Tools needed: drill and/or a screwdriver

Project total: $36.21 - yes, seriously! 

6 Cans - Semi-Gloss Black Spray Paint = $23.22

2 (in reality we could have gotten away with 1 because I did all the spraying) - Spray Grips  = $5.54

Drop Cloth - for the floor of the garage = $1.98

Masks - so you can breathe = $5.47

Step 1

Make your husband take all the shutters down.

Wait.... scratch that.

Take BEFORE photos! I didn't and I had to go to Zillow to find a good before photo of my house... that's why the old door and old house numbers, etc. are in the old photo. Oops.

Step 2

Make your husband take all of the shutters down. 
Well... ask nicely or just give him a beer, he will do it. 

Step 3

Wash all of them realllllly good. You need to get all of the dirt, grime, gross-ness off. TSP and some elbow grease are great, then spray down with the hose and let dry overnight. Then, clean one more time with a dry cloth before painting.

* If you don't have TSP or don't want to use chemicals that's fine - I actually gave up on the chemical route since my shutters didn't have any mold or mildew on them and weren't that bad (and my kids were outside) so instead I used a bucket of LOC/water (Amway brand favorite!) 

Step 4

Put on your mask and gloves and PAINT! I did all the edges and sides of the shutter first, then I did the louvers. Spray evenly, in a solid streak to avoid clumping, streaking  or puddles. 

(I did not use sawhorses although it would have saved my back from hurting it's not a necessity. PS - wanna know the best part? YOU ONLY NEED ONE COAT!!!! 

Tip - Grab something to stick the screws into, you're going to want to quickly spray the heads of the screws so that they match the newly painted shutters! 

Step 5

Dry overnight! This is crucial. Sticky fingers leave marks on them!! 

Step 6 

Make hubby hang them all back up again & sit back and enjoy the view! 

Oh, and take after pictures to share with all your friends and family - and your blog! 

This photo is green shutters on the left and the new black painted ones on the right...
Sorry, the lighting sucks but I couldn't wait til' morning sunshine to take the photo! I was way too geeked. 

Look at my NEW old house, y'all!

Next on the list:
New lanterns for the outside of the house and some fancy black planters.

Stay tuned... 

XO, K. 

Why I am quitting my dream... to focus on a bigger one.

I have been in school now, off and on, for 10 years. I began going to the community college when I was 18 years old, just out of High School and I loved every single minute of it. I loved the early wake-up's, the coffee smell as I walked through the commons area, the friendships, the involvement... all of it. I wanted so badly to be out on my own that I did everything I could to move out of my parents house. I ended up quitting school to work full time and pay rent. 

I met Dan, we had Lennon, we both worked full time and she went to a daycare, which we loved! Then I thought maybe going back to school would work at that time, so I started taking online classes. Dan was also in school and encouraged me that I could do it... that lasted all of two classes and I quit. It was way too time consuming being a full time working mom.

Then, we moved, I got a new job, I lost said new job, I became a stay at home mom. 

I had a lot more time on my hands now... or so I thought.  

I wanted to do it all; pinterest craft mom, baking mom, clean home, organized life, happy... right? I thought I could take on all of that and go back to school. Once London got a little older I realized it was time to fulfill my dream of getting my Bachelor's degree and that meant going to school. I signed up for classes yet again, online. I loved my first class, Psychology. I am so in love with the mind, and how it works, how it helps us or hinders the mentally ill. I love it! 

Well, truth is... I was becoming a bad mom. 

I never had time. 

I had time for school work, but never school work + laundry + cooking a healthy dinner + playing with the kids.

Online school is time consuming.

The time that London naps I would do homework, which is becoming less and less time as she grows so that means taking away time from Lennon, taking away time from both of them and then taking away time from meal planning, healthy living and playing outside for all of us. 

I realized I was missing out on the most special moments of my girls' life at home when I was supposed to be engaging with them, letting them be creative and explorative, and most of all letting them know I was actually paying attention and that I cared about what they were doing and telling me. Instead I found myself saying; "I'm busy right now...", or "I am doing homework, I will play with you in a second." (hours go by and I realize they are still asking for me to play with them and I've been indulged in my book and computer for the entire day. I was missing out on the moments like these: London putting her baby to bed, feeding Luke, eating cereal with a spoon like a big girl, and coming up to me laughing with her superhero crown on. 

&... Lennon's special moments like her and Maci giggling their head off while eating lunch together, even her mischevious moments like getting her own snack because me saying "I'll get you a snack when I can" turned into 1 hour later and she's starving. Lennon's silly moments like spilling water all over herself and giggling uncontrollably, and her being so sweet with her pets that she's a Vet for (her dream job).

I was missing way too much to be a good mom. I know, there's give and take and there's something to be said for a child that can create their own games, play alone and be creative. But, when you overhear you 4 year old saying "I can't talk to you right now, I am BUSY!" or "I don't have time for you right now, I have homework"... "Im sorry, Lizzy (her doll) I can't play with you I have to read". It makes your heart sink into your stomach, and then that stomach comes up into your throat like you're going to be sick from emotion. I cannot express how sad it made me when I heard her talking to her dolls like that when it was her play time. 

The reality set in of me not spending enough time with my kids when they really need me. These young years of their lives are crucial and so important to me, and them. I need them to be happy. The advice I got when I talked about quitting was "do homework at night", "do homework when the kids go to bed, I will do the chores"... That doesn't work, how would my marriage flourish? How would I have any time to breathe, let alone spend time watching the Bachelor at night with Dan and have a glass of wine? (I am being totally serious!) This school thing was taking all of my time that's so crucial to ME, MY FAMILY and my home happy.... 

I love psychology, I really do. I love the thrill of learning it, writing about it, and reading about it. I love, love, love it and I want to help people, truly. It has always been a passion of mine and always will be. I just think that there's more out there for me. When I get this degree, I thought to myself, will I really want that job that's 12 hour shifts, on-call work, never ending research studies and then not to mention there's the emotional toll it takes on you. Do I really want that career? 

I don't think so.

I am focusing on my life from now on being fulfilling and rewarding. Sure, a Bachelor's degree seems rewarding for most people in life. But I am a mom, and that's the most soul warming, fulfilling job ever. 

Until my next adventure comes along I will be the BEST mom I can be, I will play with my kids for hours, I will enjoy those silly moments and try not to miss a thing. I will be present - and that's all that matters. In Gods plan I know that it may be months or maybe years from now that I will be working full time on another dream of mine. My kids will both be in school, I will be working full time and I will have this time as a stay at home mom to reflect on and be so thankful for. I need to cherish this time, not spend it with my face in a computer. 

That is why quitting that dream is the best decision I have ever made.

XO, K. 

Strong Women Raise Strong Little Souls

I recently read a blog about raising STRONG girls & turning them into STRONG women.

... and then my weak side came out and I cried like a baby. 

But, I realized I was being foolish and I asked myself

am I being weak or am I just that strong?

It all began just over 4 years ago at my ultrasound appointment when I was told that I was having a baby girl. At first I was in disbelief. I really wanted my first born to be a boy, I had a younger brother I adored, I loved everything about little boy clothes, and toys. So, I asked the technician to look again, sure enough it was a GIRL. Then, I cried tears of joy, and happiness, my mom cried, my friend cried. Women cried, together.

I was indeed going to have to raise a girl, as strong-willed, feisty and fun as me. 

I thought (and I am certain my mom thought...) Ooooh, joy.

Finding out that I was having a girl changed my life. I was scared to be a mom, I was scared to raise a girl - knowing everrrrrything girls have to go through. I just knew the things she would face in her life - puberty, periods... ugh. but more importantly the equality issues, discrimination and, sexism. But, I wanted to raise a strong, God-fearing, nature & world loving, soul enriched, independent and fierce little girl and that's exactly what I said I would do. 

As for me, I spent my entire life looking up to my mother, idolizing her. She was strong, fierce, independent - a badass really - she didn't take any crap, and when life knocked her down she got back up over and over and over.... and over again, it was a really rough few years at one point and all I witnessed her doing was learning, growing, staying strong and not letting anything get in her way of proving to us and the world that she could do it, with or without a man by her side. You see, I have always had women role models in my life that I wanted to be just like when I grew up. I've had my Great-Grandmother's, and my late Grandma who taught me to love others with passion and trust, to love God with all of my soul and to be a poised, well spoken woman. Oh, and to dress like Jackie O with modesty, simple beauty, and wear blush pink heels with anything (those were my favorite!) Then there's my Aunt, my god-mother, who's always been so dedicated, hardworking, passionate, seeks God in everything she does and lives life to the fullest. But, even with those role models that I truly, deeply loved, something inside of me wasn't right... I wasn't the woman they were. I wasn't becoming stronger.... or was I?

I was adapting to my environment.

I had a man in my life - who often wasn't - whom at a young age cheated, hurt others and lied. As time went on I found myself encompassing those behaviors. I was feeling less of myself as a woman because those behaviors were acceptable in someone else's eyes. I settled for people who mistreated me, I accepted being lied to, talked down to, pushed around. It's all I had known.... I wasn't proud of myself. I hadn't known better but I do now. Those moments taught me something, that I later realized was the best lesson I had ever learned.

I became a mother and I promised myself I would never, ever, let my daughter feel that way. I promised myself, God as my witness, that I would raise her to be strong, marry a man who respected me, wouldn't lie or hurt me, and who was everything that man in my life was not. For the longest time I resented that man in my life but today I thank him for teaching me how not to be... how not to let a man treat me and my daughters.

I am not a perfect mother but I am doing the best I can to raise my daughter's to be strong like my mother and I had to be. 

Each choice we make in life, every breath we breathe as women, mothers and children matters. Because are impressionable. The world around us is throwing negativity, hatred, sexism and discrimination at us. The world around us is evil, scary and truly, so dark in some places. I want to teach my daughters to be the light in someones life, to uplift people, to teach others what to do and not tell them what to do, to provide comfort and compassion to others in everything they do and love, kindly, fiercely, strongly. 

Someday, perhaps, my daughter's will be faced with the question, "how do I raise strong, confident girls?" I can only hope that they encompass the attributes that I have shown them, that my mother, my aunt, our grandmothers have shown all of us. I don't want my girl's to be assholes, I just want them to be strong-willed, with big personalities and not take any crap from anyone, ESPECIALLY A MAN, who tells them they can't. I want my girls to meet a man someday that encourages them to shine. I want him to uplift them, show them how much they matter, tell them how amazing, beautiful, intelligent, courageous and fun they are.

I want my daughter to wear red lipstick like it's going out of style and 5-inch heels to match - not because her husband likes it but because SHE likes it.

I want my daughter to walk into a room like she deserves to be there.

I want my daughter to know how to change a tire, a leaky toilet, and use every tool in her husbands tool box (it's a damn good empowering feeling!)

Then, I want my daughter to grab that power tool,

and own it by fixing everything in the house - by herself 

(and that satisfaction is ahhh-mazing!)

I want my daughter to be strong enough to knock a man down if he ever hurts her

- and strong enough to build that man up when he needs her most.

I want my daughter to be a mama bear - protect herself, and her littles. 

I want my daughter to LOVE God so strongly, 

and pray daily for this life he's given her and those around her.

I want my daughter to be intelligent and be rewarded for it.

I want my daughter to ask for that raise if she deserves it.

...and hold her head high when it's denied.

Then, I want her to go back and ask again, ya know - politely but stern.

I want my daughter to prove someone wrong when they tell her she can't.

I want my daughter to walk tall, be empowered and stand up for what she believes in so fiercely that people will listen.

I want my daughter to dye her hair pink, get tattoos and listen to rock music 

- if that's what sets her soul on fire. 

I want my daughter to be a hairstylist 

- if that's her passion.

... or a defense lawyer even though everyone says she's crazy for it. 

I want my daughter to know when she's right 

- and speak up if she is.

I want my daughter to kill them with kindness, love and, dignity.

I want my daughter to have a best friend like I have and a role model to look up to.

I want my daughter and I to be so close that we giggle like we do now when I am 40.

I don't want my daughter to feel smaller, less intelligent or less dignified.

I don't want my daughter to apologize for being 

strong, courageous, fierce or strong-willed.

I don't want my daughter to feel any less of a woman.

I don't want them to adapt to their environment of hatred and rudeness.

I don't want them to apologize when they aren't wrong.

I don't want anyone telling her she can't... and if they do, they deal with this mama bear who is so fed up with men acting like sexist pigs, know it all's and encompassing this "better than you"-" ... I know everything"-attitude. 

I don't EVER. EVER want to see them let a man knock them down, talk down to them or make them feel any less of a woman... 

This is what a strong-willed, empowered, rant-loving, opinionated and badass woman looks like - and she's raising two more princess' just like it. Don't let their crowns fool ya. 

Mama bear out, xo.