My Mommy Moment

My little girl will be two this week. Her birthday gift from Nana & Papa is her very first "Big Girl Bed"! I of course got her the most adorable hand stitched Pottery Barn quilt I've been wanting for the longest time and a fuzzy blankey too! Today we put it all together and this is how it went.

We told L this morning that Nana & Papa were coming over to put her Big Girl Bed together. She screamed, jumped up and down and couldn't contain her excitement when they got here! Of course, L wanted to help put it together. 

[I was all for this because I think that children who are involved in the activity learn more and can transition better when it's something like this!] 

L pretended to help screw it together and then when it was all done she clapped and jumped!

Then came putting the mattress on... L had a melt down. She did NOT want her mattress on her new bed. I'm assuming she thought she could just jump on the big girl bed like it was, with no mattress. Haha! :) After she calmed down we put the quilt on it, pillow and pets. She has slept with Choo-Choo, Pooh and Baby since I can remember so of course they had to be in the new bed too! 

L climbed in, jumped around a bit and got comfortable! She LOVES it! 

Seeing my little girl in her new big girl bed made me tear up a little. I am so happy she got to be a part of the transition and help put it all together, she is so happy with her new bed and seems to love it so far! [lets hope night time is as easy as nap time was]! 

I definitely had a mommy moment getting teary eyes as I watch my soon to be two year old climb into her own bed and may her head down. It's so hard watching your child grow up so fast. 

BIG GIRL BED = SUCCESS. 

A Little Guide to Life

Be good to yourself,

there are some things everyone deserves-

LOVE, RESPECT, time to recharge...

NEVER settle for less.

Seek out your dreams.

Start small. 

Take it as it comes.

Even a butterfly

 has to inch along before getting its wings.

Listen to your HEART.

Trust your gut.

If the way seems unclear,

Look within you.

Let your voice be heard.

You have a story to tell,

and opinions that count. 

And a difference to make.

Stay curious.

WONDER.

Take every opportunity to learn.

Knowledge is a gift,

It will take you places.

Hold on to what's important.

Let worries go.

No matter how you look at it,

some things just don't make sense.

The way you choose to carry on is what really matters.

And when you make that list, 

of what YOU want in life - 

make another list of what you've got.

Be sure to start with all the things

that make YOU a beautiful person.

There are so many.

- - - -

Most of all,

Remember...

You're loved always.

This came from my birthday card that I received on my 24th birthday from my mom.
I teared up as I read this because it's everything she has always said to me,
cheered me on to do, and taught me. 
My mom is the most inspirational, loving, caring,
thoughtful and encouraging person that I know. 
This card is truly just an example of the undying love,
support and encouragement my mom shows me every day.
Love you, MOM!

My BIFF

Best friend time; the time that you actually get to see each other (not just chat on the phone for hours on end), the time that you get to hug, laugh, eat together (again, not crunching in each others ears on the phone while you're trying to scarf down lunch before your little gets it), drink together - yes, DRINK together... in person and it was actually ALCOHOL not coffee over FaceTime, and shop together without the littles. 

Best friend time in life is CRUCIAL. 

Like water for fish, women for straight men, hair gel for 'gays', and chocolate for PMS. 

There are just some things in life you just can't live without!

When our best friend, Meghan, passed away almost five years ago I found myself lost... lost in the world being 19 years young, no "real job", no apartment of my own, nothing. I felt like my crazy life that I thought was so perfect was picked up and dropped off a skyscraper for the whole world to see crash into a million-gazillion pieces. I didn't know what was going to happen. Meghan and I had a bond, like a sister-sister bond. We did everything together... live, work, eat, sleep (most nights because my bed was so uncomfortable), pee... (let's face it... when you have a one bedroom, one bath apt. that you're sharing with another female it's quite hard to do ANYTHING alone)! Meghan, McKensey and I all had a special bond and a great friendship and when Meghan passed away something just felt empty and it was up to us girls to stick together to make sure nothing else in our world fell apart.

That's when it all began... 

(DUN, DUN, DUN)

 I found myself seeking a true friendship like the one I had with Meghan; a sister, a true bond, and a friend-soul-mate. I found that in McKensey. We began to hangout everyday, and we lived right next door to each other - at one time we even contemplated putting in a doggy-door in the wall... it would have made our lives so much easier instead of running up and down the damn stairs 20x a day! She became my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my therapist, my AA counselor, my workout buddy, and my coach, my teacher, my mentor, my MOM at times... and most of all, my BIFF. We made a vow to each other that we would always no matter what, be there for each other. Through thick and thin, rain and snow, hard times and great times... and that we would always love each other! To this day, she has never let me down. It's been five - almost six years later we are the best of friends and tell each other everything. I live every day to tell my best friend the exciting and crazy things about my daughter, my hubby, work, poopy diapers, and my chaotic life crisis' and it never fails that whenever we talk and hangout we talk about Meghan. We think about her all the time, how much fun she would be having with us and how much we miss her. 

Friendship is something that I have learned to never take for granted. As we get older we realize who our true friends are in life - and everyone always says that but it's really true. You move away, you get married, you have littles and then BAM... people stop wanting to hangout... never call... never come visit... etc. This friendship is real, it's true and it's something I could never life without no matter how far apart we live. I am so grateful for my BIFF and for my past friendship with Meghan for showing me the true meaning of a best friend and the true meaning of love. We have gone from meeting each other at a restaurant to being the MOH in each others weddings and now having our daughters play together and become best friends like we are.

Without these relationships in my life I wouldn't be where I am today, healthy, happy and so in love with the man of my dreams. 

I owe it all to my rock - my BIFF. 

V AND L 

LOVE YOU! :)

A Very Happy Fathers Day!

Fathers Day; a day that a man has earned because he is or was a true blessing in one's life. A day a man should feel privileged to celebrate with another person because of what they have accomplished, taught, or inspired someone to be. Happy Fathers Day to all the men who are privileged with being called Dad and all of the women who are a mother and a father to your children or someone elses'! You truly earn this day because of what you do, what you teach, who you inspire and not only create but be a role model for. Being a dad is a special gift from God but being a FATHER is truly a blessing, hard work and involves loyalty, trust and compassion. 

So on this Father's Day I say a HUGE thank you to all of the FATHERs in my life; first of all my MOM who has been a father and a mother to me my entire life - she has been my rock, my inspiration and my guide and done everything a Father should do and MORE! My STEPDAD who has been a rock in my life as well, he has been my Dad for a very long time and truly a father to me. He taught me how to achieve my goals in life, how to shoot a gun and protect myself, how to love someone unconditionally like he loves my mother and how to dream with no string attached... reach for the sky and that there are no limits!, my Papa who raised my mother into a strong, loving and caring woman with amazing morals and self respect which she passed onto me. I will forever be grateful for the man he was and still carries on to be through his children. My UNCLES who taught me how to have fun and learn from my mistakes, how to say sorry to my mother after a fight with her and how to keep my head held high when someone broke my heart, my DAD because even though times were tough growing up and were not the best he admits his wrongs and still tries to be in our lives. He is becoming a great friend, a good Dad and being a great Grandfather to Lennon and trying to mend our relationship and for that I am grateful. Also, my FATHER-in-law who I thank each and every day for being a great role model for my husband and for someone who has been a great dad to my husband his entire life when he didn't have to be and a great Papa to Lennon, and of course my HUSBAND who inspires me each day to be an amazing mother and role model for our daughter and who has been the most amazing Dad I could have ever imagined for our child! He truly is amazing and I fall more in love with him every single day. Without these men in my life I don't know where I would be! 

Today was great! We woke up this morning and took Daddy to Barnes and Noble to get a book and then we grabbed lunch and went to the park. We had a blast! 

After the park we enjoyed time at home then went to my in-laws for a cookout where Miss Lennon got to enjoy the swing, sandbox, cake and even a ride on the tractor with Papa!

I know this must be a "Papa thing" to do with their grandchildren but this really had me missing my Papa tonight. I watched as my father-in-law (L's Papa) took L around the yard and she squealed with excitement! It reminded me of the stories my mom told me about me riding around the lawn with my Papa and I used to be so happy and it was my favorite thing to do with Papa! Now that my Papa is gone my only wish is for Lennon to have the same joy in life with her Papa as I did. I know he was watching down on us today and smiling along with L... as soon as L started riding along a Beatles song came on the radio outside. 

Now that's a Happy Father's Day! 

XO

Shellac... My new obsession!

My Journey

My New and [hopefully] Exciting Journey to a HEALTHIER and HAPPIER me! 

This year I've been going through a lot of ups and downs... Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have had the worst "downs" and the highest "ups" and really haven't found a good middle ground. My emotions have been out of whack, mentally I wasn't healthy and my physical appearance is at the worst it's ever been in my entire life! Depression and anxiety got the worst of me this past year and I finally decided to take control and change my life to become a healthier and happier me. Thankfully, with the amazing support of my best friend, my husband, family and of course Doc I am on the road to happiness and a (mentally... not drugs!) non-toxic life. I've decided that it's definitely time for some big changes for myself and my way of living that I couldn't do without the ongoing support that I have. I decided that I am going to log my journey to keep myself motivated and strictly focused on why I am doing this. It's going to be hard... let's face it; weight loss and healthy living is never easy. McDonald's and BK were like a staple in my weekly diet. But, I need to be a healthy mom, good looking, happy & healthy-minded wife, and not an emotional wreck all the time (ha!). In the past couple of years I was the girl that would eat whatever I wanted when ever I wanted, work out almost never (but I loved the idea of it...) and I thought I wouldn't gain weight because I never did before (Thanks Metabolism, you suck). Little did I know I was gaining ALOT and now I am nearly 50 lbs heavier than I was 2 years ago when I had Lennon. (That is NOT an understatement). I wasn't aware of what I was doing, how my depression was hurting me and how coping with my anxiety and depression through snacking and eating out was truly damaging me. So, my hopes for this journal is to inspire someone in my shoes and to help someone who needs the help realizing they're not alone and they can do this too. I will post pictures when I get to it, it's a little embarrassing for me to stand half naked in front of a mirror and blog it.. but I want to see the results and I know it will inspire someone in the end. This is MY blog, MY life and MY true feelings so please don't take offense, don't judge, don't complain and don't feel sorry ... just realize this is the true me and the true troubles many people face but don't write about. This will help me and hopefully many others. 

So here it is... 

Week 1

I've began my journey. It's finally almost one week in and I feel okay so far. First things first, Doc has put me on meds to balance my diet and help my body not absorb too much fat along with my anxiety meds that Doc put me on about one month ago. I'm on a strict (but maintainable and healthy) diet. I can eat normal healthy foods as long as my meals are well balanced and not over 15g of fat each or over 45g of fat daily! I take a pill in the AM and the PM with food. The side effects are NOT as bad as reviews state (at least I don't have the bad side effects yet anyway!) haha! Here is some information on the prescription that I am taking - Click Here. It's very important to take this medication with a healthy and well balanced diet. I use My Fitness Pal app on my iPhone to help me track calories, fats and make sure I don't go over. It's really opened my eyes to how much fats are in foods I eat on a daily basis and has really helped with portion control. I am so much more aware of what I can and cannot eat, how much I can eat and what not to eat so I don't go over my caloric intake for the day. 

Example of my daily meals

Breakfast

Oatmeal made w/ almond milk - add a banana and fruit (strawberries or raspberries)

Cup of coffee with only a tbs. of creamer (no sugar) 

Or 

Greek Yogurt and 1 cup of fruit 

Water... Lots of water! (This is the key... as my BIFF told me... I need to drink 100 ounces of water a day). It's been hard to drink that much when I am busy running around at work but I throw a lemon in there to make it much more tasty and it's very refreshing!

Snack

Handful of almonds or 1 serving size of baked pretzel chips

1 stick of low fat cheese

Lunch 

Turkey wrap (only lettuce and turkey) if I can have the fat, I'll put a tsp. of ranch on it! (but no more than that because there's so much crap in ranch).

Veggies - I cut up some peppers (red, green or yellow) and I'll have it with hummus or hummus and baked pita chips - so yummy and if I stick to the serving size on the package it's less than 5g of fat for a quick snack!

Dinner

Usually whatever is here... I've really just been counting calories and fats to make sure I don't go over and ALWAYS including fruits or veggies with it. Last night we made steak and potatoes on the grill. Little did I realize an 8oz. NY Strip steak has over 20g of fat. So, I had half of my steak, half of a grilled red potato with spray butter (hello 0g of fat!!) and some peppers. I also had a couple of beers (Dos Equis) but that was all added into My Fitness Pal and I only went about 27 calories over my caloric intake for the day. I am still getting use to this whole diet thing, give me a break. 

I'm also taking an anxiety medication, Paxil. I am happy with the results of it so far and I've been taking it for over one month now! I am much happier during the daytime and I don't have any anxiety attacks or fast heart rate randomly. I do get very tired during the day so Doc reduced my dosage to 12.5mg instead of 25mg a day, although I don't see much difference as I am still so tired all the time. I haven't started working out much other than crunches, sit-ups, leg workouts and running with Lennons jogging stroller a few times a week. It feels great when I do it but I haven't established a good routine to go on during the week with my work schedule crazy like it is. Next week my goal is to work out every day and establish a good routine... I know I can do it, I just have to get my lazy ass out of bed and get to it. I will do this, you'll see. :) Well, that's week 1. Happy Following! 

Week 2
Hello Day 1 Week 2, you SUCK! I am absolutely miserable today! Last night Hubs and I stayed up to "snack prep" for the week to make our lives 10x easier. It was so easy, not very time consuming and we realized how this will make our lives easier through the weeks by grabbing a bag of snacks for our lunches during the day and we will be all set. I made bags of peppers and celery of about 1 serving size each to keep it healthy! Then I put containers of hummus and Peanut Butter together so I have something to dip it all in when I am craving Ranch - the most unhealthy thing in the world that I am addicted to besides chocolate cake! YAY for a fridge full of healthy foods and no junk (except for that Dos Equis - hey, a girl has to drink)!

Current Weight: 198.6
BMI: Apprx.34.6 ( I don't know the exact until a couple months down the road when I go to my doc. this number is from my scale so it's apprx.)

HELLO, Week 2! Here's my embarrassing photos of where I am currently at. Messy hair day and all. (NO I am not preggers, that's my fatness that consumes my life! FML.)

So, as I said I am still getting used to this whole diet, meal planning and healthy eating thing but boy, have I learned what I CANNOT eat. Last night I ate an ice cream cone... BAD IDEA. Not even 5 minutes later it was going right through me! I had bad stomach cramps and I was not feeling good at all! Today I ate healthy for breakfast, lunch and dinner with healthy snacks in between yet still had to use the bathroom literally 5 minutes after EVER damn meal. I guess I am finally getting those side effects the Doc was talking about and warning me of! I have had cramps all day in my stomach and I have finally resorted to wearing a pad because I am too afraid to fart! TMI... oh well. Let's hope this week get's better before I die.

So, I am at the end of Week 2 and I am feeling a little bit better! My weight has fluctuated a lot this week... I was 198 then 194... then 191 then 196. Currently the scale says 200... TWO-FREAKIN'-HUNDRED?! I am so ready for this to start showing some results but I will admit I was super sick this week and did NOT follow my 100% strict diet or working out like I am supposed to EVERY DAY. I will now that I am feeling better though! 

Week 3 - Week ... I lost track.

or should I say gave up, quit, became a failure... A loser. Gained weight... But overall, I am just disappointed. I did what I said I WOULDNT do. I gave up on myself. I stopped believing I could do it. But hey, life happens and most importantly, I said I would be honest with myself and I am. 

It's been hard. I got really sick with an upper respiratory infection and was put on extremely potent and high dose antibiotics... My doc recommended I stop taking all other meds until it cleared up, so I did. Then, I never went back to taking them. 

So, what happened? I gained all the weight back I lost... I am at 202! That's not freakin' acceptable. I have no energy, I am tired a lot. I drink pop, eat snacks and snack all day... I cannot keep doing bad. I need to get back on track so I am going to do this. Here it goes again. 

Back on my journey...