It's 4:23am and the baby monitor next to me is flashing, buzzing and I hear a whine begin to turn into a cry... I shut my eyes thinking... "not again, it will go away" just to be woken up by another loud cry. It's now 4:40am and I open my eyes again to the crying that's now loud and I realize she's not calming back down... and that I just slept for another 17 minutes (yay, me!) I force myself out of bed, pry my eyes open and tip toe into her room to scoop her up. She's wide eyed and as I pick her up she coo's at me, smiles and grabs onto the top of my shirt with two little fingers. As I am fumbling in the dark with my shirt, and grabbing a blanket to snuggle up with she starts this whimper, which is what we call the "boob cry", and it seems like I can't get to nursing her fast enough for her little rumbly belly. Nursing begins and she's a happy camper... closes her eyes, sighs and snuggles into me. The world is again perfect.
At the first sound of that cry in the middle of the night it's like hearing your alarm go off on a school day, like knowing you have to go to work on that bitter cold winter day and you're so cozy in your bed not wanting to move, or that Sunday morning when you're snuggled up with your husband and your toddler just wants cheerio's... and wants them NOW. You want to do anything and everything you can to stay in bed. I mean seriously, why haven't they invented a pump that reaches to the baby? or, even better... a mommy robot? A mom can dream, right?
Getting out of bed is the hardest part but once I am in my rocking chair, snuggled up and I can see... that's the realest struggle ever... I am happy once again. I am happy at 4am because I know she needs me and this won't last forever. I know that no matter how much I hate getting out of bed, moving away from my warm and cozy hubby snuggles and into a cold chair in her room it won't be this way forever. I may be going crazy on sleep deprivation, surviving on coffee and it may take me 17 minutes to realize I have to get up or my child will starve but I secretly love it. All moms secretly love it!
I get to snuggle with her at her most innocent, peaceful time. She's quiet now, she's warm and snuggled up in my arms, she's dreaming... she's so beautiful. Her one hand us under my arm clinging to my shirt, her other hand is pinching the skin on my chest as she calms herself back down clinging on to me to make sure I am still there. I can grab her hand and she squeezes it so tight, I smell her fingers... coconut and lavender... I bend down and kiss her warm cheeks, her velvety soft skin, and smell her sweet baby smell. She's perfect. The crying matters, the screams from the unhappy baby were calling out for mommy, the inconsolable baby can be consoled... by mommy. She needs me, and I need the 4am snuggles. I need to be reminded that though the days are long and nights sometimes feel never-ending, those days do end and those nights get quieter. Those days turn into barbie play time, (yup... still surviving on coffee) and those nights turn into my little toddler saying "mommy you're holding me too tight", or "mom I want to go to bed by myself tonight". So, I cherish this time.
I will miss these 4am snuggles someday.
