Dear L,

Today while  I was lying you down for your afternoon nap you threw a temper tantrum. You didn't want to nap, which was half the problem, but you're sick with a nasty cough and even though you didn't want to nap, you were exhausted and needed to relax. So, I held you while you cried and kicked and screamed, I brushed your hair out of your eyes while you cried and cuddled you so close to me you when you said, "mama hold me". It hurts me when you're so sick and so sad. All I wanted to do was to take the pain away but I couldn't and that made me so sad. I rocked you in my arms and wrapped you in your blankey until you closed your eyes and held my hand. 

I laid you down, rubbed your back and watched you closely. I was rubbing your back as you took a deep breath and fell asleep. I covered you up, tucked you in and I was going to get up and leave the room to let you sleep but something told me to stay... Instead of leaving you alone I laid right back down next to you and starred at you. I watched your eyes flutter and listened to the sweet humming noises as you dreamed and put my nose close to your face to feel your breathing. I smelled your sweet, soft cheeks and they smelled just like vanilla lotion. I held you close to me, kissed your forehead probably a million times and I told you everything my heart was feeling in that moment. 

I was feeling so at peace right in that moment. No matter how bad your temper tantrums get or how many messes you make that I have to clean up, or how many times you don't listen to me and I get upset... it all went away and felt like nothing else matters. Nothing mattered except for that moment when I was starring at you and holding you close. 

You see, in your life you have this perfect image of the world. The world around you is colorful and bright, everyone is nice and trustworthy and the world out of your front door is a big playground. In your little world, the world is just the things around you and the things around you here would never hurt you. I am scared for the days to come, the days when you grow up and learn about the bad things in this world. I guess, I am scared of you not being my little girl anymore. I remember when I was little. I remember the things I experienced, the negativity, the name calling in school, the bullies and drama. I remember being picked on, I remember mean people, I remember people hurting me. I am so scared of this world hurting you. In this moment while I am lying with you wrapped in my arms you're so innocent and so loved in a million ways. You're my little blessing and will always be protected by me and daddy while you're little but we can't always watch out for you. We won't always be by your side every second of the day. I can only hope and pray that we raise you right, so we raise you to be strong, optimistic, intelligent and trustworthy. As I told you everything my heart was feeling I promised you that I would always hold your hand, hold your heart in mine and be there for you no matter how old you are or where you are in life. I promised you that I would never judge you, never hurt you, never leave you. I promised that I would guide you, like my mother guided me and that I would let you make your own mistakes, no matter how hard it may be because in the end, you'll learn. I told you that I want to be your friend, your mom, your inspiration, role model and your teacher. 

L, I will always be here. I will always cuddle you, hold you, and love you unconditionally and you will always be my little girl.

XO, K.