Holding On

I always knew that at some point and time I would break down, have a full on melt down over nothing or just lose my shit over spilled milk and today was that day. Pregnancy hormones, motherhood, and being a stay at home mom got the best of me today and I broke down... in tears and sat in my backyard crying while Lennon rode her gator around the yard, the turkey burgers weren't grilling because the charcoal wasn't hot enough and Luke was chasing rabbits. I texted hubby a long, sappy, "f*%!-it" filled novel to vent and he of course replied with the sweetest text to try and calm my overwhelmed nerves. 

So at that time I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because my husband works 8am-8pm or later EVERY day, I decided to make a box of frozen lasagna... I was thinking about it and craving it all day... opened it and it was shit so had to throw that away. Lennon whines all day missing her daddy, Luke threw up because he drank yucky pool water because hubby isn't home to clean out the small pool after it rained yesterday, I started to make an awesome recipe of pesto turkey burgers to throw on the grill and the charcoal warmed but then somehow they went out so it wasn't hot after the burgers were already on... That was about 6:30 PM, they take 20-30 min to cook thoroughly so I went inside, threw them on the George Foreman, which made them smell burnt and of course this preggo didn't want them anymore. Yes, I am rambling now... Lennon wants to play outside while I am inside, I can't let her because I am paranoid... her gator has dirt all over it that won't come off, I don't own magic erasers... the pool is dirty, and it's hot out again, and I can't clean it out because I'm pregnant and it's yucky and moldy, and gross... and is definitely just going to be in the trash next week if I have a say in the matter. By this time, Lennon has been begging to go in her sprinkler and I am trying to cook. F'ING A. 

So after all of that I finished cooking the burgers inside, didn't eat my own dinner, fed Lennon and waited for hubby to get home with Genji sushi takeout for me. He sure does know how to make me happy! 

I think that I am just so frustrated that I had a bad evening because our day was filled with such happiness. I took Lennon to gymnastics today, she had a blast! After gym we had lunch at home, cuddled together, she had some warm milk and watched TV as I caught up on FB posts, read a blog and cried. A LOT. I read a blog that a woman posted about Ryan Cruz and that led me to look up his moms blog - Little Bakery Boy. I didn't know about the tragedy that tore their life to pieces, and I didn't follow her blog before today but I read it and found myself reading almost every post of hers all the way to the tragedy day about a year ago. As I was reading Lennon was lying on the couch, using Luke as a pillow and Luke pretty much on my lap. Once Lennon heard me sniffling she looked up at me, asked if I was okay and then quickly turned her attention back to Mickey. She ended up laying on the other end of the couch but grabbed my hand and asked me so sweetly if she could hold it to make me feel better. 

After I read the blogs about this boy, the wonderful life he had and the amazing job his parents are doing keeping his spirit alive, not only did I cry as I cuddled my little Lennon so tight and held her the entire time we napped today but I thought so much about life and how quickly it can be taken away from us when we least expect it. Then I thought... WTF am I complaining about tonight once shit hit the fan. We all love our children, there's no doubt about that but what if moments before a tragedy you were yelling at them for spilled milk? What if you were getting frustrated with them over taking too long to buckle their shoes just because they're so independent now and want to show you they can do it alone! What if? Sure, we can't all live life perfectly, and we sure as shit can't live life in a bubble because of all the what if's. And, it's definitely going to happen where you get angry, frustrated and even yell at the kids for petty things but I want to start today by making things better... I want to be kind, patient, and loving at all times. I want to be the kind of mom my mom was to me as a child and still is to me. She was kind, patient but scolded me when I did wrong and I am thankful for that. I get too easily frustrated with Lennon sometimes, I'm not afraid to admit that. I used to yell at her when she wouldn't leave me alone so I could read blogs or crap on Facebook, and I am so grateful that I don't play on FB during the day while she is up and I don't consume my life with my phone anymore. I am more in the moment with her, I laugh at the little things and let her dress up like a princess even if it's just to go to the store. I LOVE being her mom and I couldn't imagine that being taken away from me. From now on I make a promise to myself and to her to be there in the moment and ALWAYS hold on to her, hold her hand whenever she wants and just really hold her ... in memory of little Ryan who lost his life way too soon.