Smothered

Serious question time ... 

Have your eyes ever hurt to the point where you could cry?

Literally... they water and water to the point where you're asking yourself "am I really crying right now or just so exhausted?" I can't tell the difference lately. I'm emotional because I am so exhausted and I am so exhausted from being emotional about things I can't even control in life anymore. That's enough to make your head spin in circles like wondering which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Have you ever been so incredibly overwhelmed you don't know what to do? 

Scream, cry, or laugh at the stupidity of your overwhelming emotions? Lock yourself in a room and read the Bible because if you don't... Lord help those kids.

Oh, this one's good - have you ever put your kids down for a nap knowing darn well they might not even take one just to take a break from them for one-freakin'-second?

Better yet, has all of this happened in one day?

You really don't have to answer these, but I will.

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Sometimes motherhood is hard. Sometimes no one else cares about your to-do list.  Mother nature doesn't care if you have a playdate outside when she decides it's going to be 90+ degree's or rainy, so why should anyone else care about your emotional state when they dump 500 things on your plate to worry about, think about non-stop, or worry about doing by dinner time. Sometimes your husband doesn't care about the to-do list when he comes home exhausted from working all week and forgets that he still is part owner of this house and should lend a hand. Sometimes it's just all too much so you let the laundry pile up, don't wash the floors, don't dust for a week, and then in another week you're in the same boat - so freakin' overwhelmed.

I'll admit, I've always been a non-stop kind of gal. I like to be busy, I like to have a to-do list (because I like checking things off and feeling accomplished), and I like having errands to run... or I did, before I had two kids, two dogs and a house to take care of. Now, I like my house to be clean, spotless even, and I like to have order from the chaos. Organization, dishes put away, laundry in it's place, etc. I have to have it done for the sake of my sanity, and there's no changing that. I am such a type A person that I have to have things my way... or I will lose my shit.

Today, I am (quietly... which is rare) losing my shit. 

My kids are both laying down, in separate rooms and I don't think they're napping - I highly doubt they're napping - but they're being quiet and not tugging at my leg or fighting, or watching me silently lose it so, that's a plus. Today I want to give up on being a mom, a stay at home mom that is. I think. I want to stop thinking about things. I want to stop being the only person that can make breakfast, and lunch and dinner, and have to worry about the meals being healthy. I think too much. I think about caloric intake, sugar and if they're getting enough water throughout the day. I want to stop worrying about whether or not my husband will eat the dinner I am making because it has onion in it. I want to stop worrying about going to the store, getting necessities that aren't really necessities today, but tomorrow they will be. Like the milk carton that's almost empty... shit. I don't want to worry about other people but that's just in my blood. I come from a long line of lover's and doers and kind people that worry about everyone, even if it's none of their business. I worry about my family. I worry about my brother every second of every day, and what he's getting into next... but I shouldn't... not anymore... not after everything that's happened and what he's done. I shouldn't but I do. I am so overwhelmed because I am a fixer, and I can't fix this. Someone needs to, but no one can and that's the worst feeling in the world when you care about someone.

I worry non-stop, some might say that's a part of being a mother but geesssh, when does it end and when does it stop smothering you?

Smothered.

It's kind of like the chapter I keep re-reading in the book Present over Perfect called Stuffed. In this chapter author Shauna Niequist talks about being so stuffed with everything going on in her life that she misses things... friends, sleep, being kind to her kids, etc. That's EXACTLY how I feel. I read that part of the book and I collapsed inside with emotion. I literally felt like she was speaking right to me. Have you ever read a book that made you feel that way? It's pretty emotionally draining... and by draining I mean it literally drains the tears right from your heart... all over the book, the blanket you're snuggled up in. Everything. She is just.like.me. She talks about how she doesn't operate in the later.... she wants things done NOW and it is exhausting and is mainly the reason for all of this crap in life that is crumbling around her. I am the same way, I never know that I need a break until it's too late. I never understand the depth of my emotion until I come unglued and it all flows out like a waterfall... and everyone around me is drowning from it. I am doing this to my own family, friends, everyone. Drowning them. I get so tied up in the little things and make them big things, and then I forget about what matters most in life. I try to remind myself that it's not to-do lists, or errands or dinner plans, or grocery store runs every day. It's happiness, and time with my kids making memories and instead of craving time alone I should crave play-doh messes and coloring with my kids. But, I am a real mom and one that makes mistakes, and I am here to tell you that I don't crave those things... I should, but I don't. At the end of the day I crave silence, peace and quiet in a clean, toy free, mess free living room with a candle lit that a toddler won't touch. I crave a weekend away without my kids, but then when we get to where we are going I want to miss them like crazy and talk about them in all the ways good moms miss and talk about their children. I want to remember the times they made me laugh instead of pulling my hair out crying at them for not picking up their toys that the dogs just destroyed. I want to remember the good, extremely fun times that we have on GOOD days. Lately, there have been way too many bad days. WAY TOO MANY. I am a real mom, and as my real friends remind me of that when I need it most, I am a mom like every other mom out there who sometimes has a bad day, sometimes yells too much and feels guilty about it later and sometimes doesn't do the right thing every single time.... I am normal, for the most part. But, right now I don't feel normal. I feel overwhelmed and too emotional to function properly. I feel like no one listens, I feel like I am drowning... and the only thing I crave is balance, peace and happiness.

Something has to change. Am I really not cut out for this 24/7 stay at home mom life? Do I need adult interaction and conversations from someone other than my kids during the day? Am I really not cut out to be a well-balanced person who's happy all the time... why me? There is only so much that I feel like I can control in life and the rest is up to God. I pray that He helps me find balance and guidance to be a better mom and wife every day, and every night before bed I usually ask for forgiveness from being a total crap mom that day. 

I need an emotional, spiritual, happy break. A break that is long... like a 5 day break... on a beach in the Caribbean, with a margarita in one hand and my husbands hand in the other. The beach makes everything better.

"I'm going to make space to taste my life once again" - Shauna Niequist

If you don't have this book you NEED it - Present Over Perfect

Luke is barking because London is banging on the wall in her room from her crib letting me know very loud and clear that she's up from her nap (that she probably didn't take) and she's letting the whole world know she's ready to get out of there. Grrrrrrreat. Lennon got up and is immediately begging for a snack and water, and all the things she can totally do herself but won't... 

Guess that means my whine time is over for now. Time to go, take care of the kids who are hopefully happier and less crabby now... run outside or to the park to play, and then book a vacation to some desert island in the Caribbean and beg for my hubs to take a week off of work to go. (We can wish, right) Now, that's a to-do list I can handle.