Social Stalking

It's a new day and I have to focus on the good things in life.

Lately my life has been consumed with work, coffee, shopping and social networking. 

A LOT of social networking... and I can't really even call it social "networking" it's more like social stalking. Yep. That's what it should be changed to.

Social Stalking. 

Kind of has a ring to it, don't ya think?

I get up at the crack ass of dawn and shut my alarm off. I then grab my phone...

Scroll through FB until I make it to the last post I read which was more than likely the one I fell asleep reading or commenting on. Then I scroll through Instagram... REPEAT. Scroll through the Popular posts on Pinterest and Pin a few too many, then put my phone down and shower. 

Then I turn on Pandora, listen to some good ole' Gavin Degraw to get myself prepared for this concert Friday night and then I get ready... checking FB every time I have a free hand. You know, when I brush my teeth, flat iron or curl, and put on lipstick. Usually at this time I am on the phone with my BIFF and that's literally the LONGEST time I go without social networking stalking. Whelp, I take that back. Sometimes I sit on the phone with her and I will have FB open on my macbook. Mer. I suck.

So... It's been hectic even before I have left the house to go to work. 

Then, I get to work... sit my phone on my desk next to my ever so great iced coffee (usually from Starbucks but I've been cutting back!) and I log on... check some emails, browse the database for new leads, etc. and then I unlock my phone to check FB again.

WHY am I so addicted to the drama, news feeds, blogs, posts, pictures on Instagram ... ETC. ETC. ETC. WHY! Seriously, what is the REAL reason we go on FB? Stalk other people, look at their photos, posts, talk about their photos and posts... what they're up to now, looking up other people to see what they have done or most likely talking about things they haven't done... it's terrible. It is seriously causing our generation to be a judgmental, critical, brutal, mean generation. I refuse to be like that! I am so over it.

My life has been consumed. So I am taking a step back. I have two books on my coffee table next to me that I haven't finished because by the time I get home I am on my phone or laptop again. I have a two year old who I love reading with and playing with and somehow, someway I feel that need to FB, Instagram, and all this other crap that's not necessary. 

So as of tonight my FB is deactivated. Deleted from my phone and macbook fav list and I haven't even been tempted to log on. If you know me, that's taking a lot of freakin' effort to not just log in...  Damn.

So I have taken this time to research some children's books that I am in the process of thinking about writing, looking at my blogs thinking how I need to write more in life and about more interesting things... and listening to some good music on Pandora. 

Goodnight all. 

Life is ALMOST perfect.

Mani. Pedi. Shellac. Hazelnut Iced Coffee. Girl time with my favorite nail lady...

... Life is perfect. Almost.

So as I sit here getting the dead skin rubbed off my feet and a gorgeous hot pinkish orange shellac on my toes I watch a woman getting mani's with her 4 year old daughter and it's so darn cute... with matching colors might I add... and I begin to reflect. 

I reflect on my day and I realize I suck at a few things... Managing pain from endometriosis is a difficult task for any woman. I have had cysts on my ovaries on and off since I was about 18 years old... they are terrible. They are uncontrollable and at this time in my life I cant do anything about them other than bear with the freakin' pain. So I end up calling into work and spending my day inside, on the couch and NOT doing a damn thing. I take pain meds, wake up after a 3 hour nap and do not a DAMN thing again. So I end up at the nail salon for a two hour ME session tonight once I can walk. This is a great time to girl chat, people watch and gossip about my EVER so seemingly perfect, wonderful life.

Vent time...

I seriously feel like I suck at being a good mom sometimes. (Of course I am tearing up as I think about this... and my nail girl asks me what's wrong... missing my daughter I say with a half smile and then chug my iced coffee...) I spend a total of maybe 30 hours with my daughter a week INCLUDING weekend time. It sucks. I want to be that mom that teaches her daughter, plays with her daughter instead of being so tired after a long day of work or coming home at 8pm when she's going to bed... I do my ME time at night when she's sleeping... I do my errands with her, grocery shopping with her (which is almost impossible now that she's little miss independent and wants to walk instead of be in a cart), clothes shopping, anything and everything is done WITH HER (which i love by the way!!)... But I am missing something here. I watch all of these stay at home moms doing activities with their kids... Hearing all the stories about the things my best friend is experiencing with her stay at home wife life (not all of it is glorious, I get it but I still want to have it and experience it!)...  I am reading online blogs, Pinterest posts, etc. and I am jealous. I am feeling the need to do more with my daughter and more with her life. 

For goodness sakes, she's freakin' TWO this Friday! I have missed so much of her precious life. 

I find myself wanting to quit my job, wanting nothing more than staying home with her and playing, reading, learning and teaching. Why is life so difficult... Why is the world such a place that we have such a difficult time being stay at home moms? Why can't it be easy for our hubby's to go out, find a good job and let us raise our kids? 

I want to do more for my daughter.

I think that's where a lot of my anxiety comes from when I am leaving home to go to work and I hear Lennon say "No, mama come with you!" Or "mama, play!" I get to work, I want to leave already because I know my daughter is having fun without me. Having fun... YES. She enjoys her time with nana and papa and daddy, she loves her time with them but I am the one feeling guilty. 

One day I keep telling myself. One day it will get better and we will be in a better place for me to enjoy more than 30 hours a week with my kids. I keep hoping for that day! 

Happy Wednesday I guess. 

MER.

It's [just another MANIC] Monday...

Tonight is just one of those grab a glass of wine, the softest blanket on the couch and blog kind of nights. I found myself lost in deep thoughts sitting at my desk at work today... thinking about all the opportunities we have as a family, all of the dreams we have, places to see, people to meet and things to do.

I can imagine myself 5 years from now... watching two little kids playing in the front of our gorgeous home, green grass, hanging plants around us and a glass of wine in my hand while I am sitting on the front porch swinging with my husband, listening to the birds chirping and smelling the sweet southern air. 

I can picture myself sitting on the couch with a good book staring out the window of our home watching the waves crash on the eastern shoreline.

I can picture myself sitting in my mama's backyard playing with my little brother and sister, drinking a beer, picking up grass, smashing ants, talking about the glorious hot summer days and wishing it never had to end. 

The thing is, I can see myself anywhere. I can picture my family anywhere. I can picture my future, it's bright... it's perfect. I want to be settled, that's all I want. Everyone keeps telling me that money doesn't buy happiness. They may be correct, I wouldn't truly know. But what I do know is that I am happy right in this moment but I am not settled. I am not in a home that we own, I am not in a career that's stable, I am not in a town that's safe to raise my child. I am not secure in my life right now. I want more... 

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that I can stay home with my children, read to them, play with them, watch them grow... I want to take them outside, play in the sun, teach them, learn with them. Being settled will allow me to do that. Being settled will allow me to feel comfortable in my home, in a town that I will raise my family, in a city like DC, in the open field country in Tennessee, on the sandy beaches near the ocean in Florida or in the cool-crisp air mountains of Virginia. 

Time is going by too slow right now and I am sitting here wondering when my hubs will hear back about the jobs he's been applying for across the country. I am such an anxious person anyway I feel like this is really challenging me to keep my cool. I wake up thinking about it... go to bed wondering why they didn't call today... it's hell. I wish I could chose a place I would love to live and pack my stuff and just go... wouldn't that be perfect?

It's going to take time. I am trying to be patient but for now... I am going to drink, bitch about it on my blog and watch hubs keep his composure (secretly, I think he's really nerved up and anxious too)... and play Mario Kart. Woot. 

Happy Monday, everyone.

DIY [sun]DAY

Today was a cloudy, cranky kid, tired parents, not a good day for laying in the pool tanning, stay inside kind of day. 

So I pulled out the DIY crafts tote, kicked my imagination into gear and got to work.

Since we recently ... Well, I recently splurged... And got a new shower curtain that's BRIGHT orange and HOT pink I decided to make a painting to match. 

Here it is...

Bright orange paint, large canvas and these awesome reusable Hazel & Ruby stickers from Michaels. [although they're $19.99 a set, they're so worth it!] I highly recommend them for any DIY projects! 

Add layers of hot pink, light pink, bubble gum pink.... Etc.

Use these awesomely inexpensive craft paint brushes, also from Michaels, and VOILA! 

I swear that's hot pink. It looks pretty purple in this photo though. Damn lighting. 

It matches my shower curtain. Woohoo!

And of course when you give a mouse a cookie...

... or when you give a girl a paint brush.

... She's going to want to keep painting. 

So I decided to makeover this cardboard K I bought on clearance a few days ago to match our new brightly colored living room decor! :) 

A COLORFUL HOME IS A HAPPY HOME!! :)) 

XO