... Life is perfect. Almost.
So as I sit here getting the dead skin rubbed off my feet and a gorgeous hot pinkish orange shellac on my toes I watch a woman getting mani's with her 4 year old daughter and it's so darn cute... with matching colors might I add... and I begin to reflect.
I reflect on my day and I realize I suck at a few things... Managing pain from endometriosis is a difficult task for any woman. I have had cysts on my ovaries on and off since I was about 18 years old... they are terrible. They are uncontrollable and at this time in my life I cant do anything about them other than bear with the freakin' pain. So I end up calling into work and spending my day inside, on the couch and NOT doing a damn thing. I take pain meds, wake up after a 3 hour nap and do not a DAMN thing again. So I end up at the nail salon for a two hour ME session tonight once I can walk. This is a great time to girl chat, people watch and gossip about my EVER so seemingly perfect, wonderful life.
Vent time...
I seriously feel like I suck at being a good mom sometimes. (Of course I am tearing up as I think about this... and my nail girl asks me what's wrong... missing my daughter I say with a half smile and then chug my iced coffee...) I spend a total of maybe 30 hours with my daughter a week INCLUDING weekend time. It sucks. I want to be that mom that teaches her daughter, plays with her daughter instead of being so tired after a long day of work or coming home at 8pm when she's going to bed... I do my ME time at night when she's sleeping... I do my errands with her, grocery shopping with her (which is almost impossible now that she's little miss independent and wants to walk instead of be in a cart), clothes shopping, anything and everything is done WITH HER (which i love by the way!!)... But I am missing something here. I watch all of these stay at home moms doing activities with their kids... Hearing all the stories about the things my best friend is experiencing with her stay at home wife life (not all of it is glorious, I get it but I still want to have it and experience it!)... I am reading online blogs, Pinterest posts, etc. and I am jealous. I am feeling the need to do more with my daughter and more with her life.
For goodness sakes, she's freakin' TWO this Friday! I have missed so much of her precious life.
I find myself wanting to quit my job, wanting nothing more than staying home with her and playing, reading, learning and teaching. Why is life so difficult... Why is the world such a place that we have such a difficult time being stay at home moms? Why can't it be easy for our hubby's to go out, find a good job and let us raise our kids?
I want to do more for my daughter.
I think that's where a lot of my anxiety comes from when I am leaving home to go to work and I hear Lennon say "No, mama come with you!" Or "mama, play!" I get to work, I want to leave already because I know my daughter is having fun without me. Having fun... YES. She enjoys her time with nana and papa and daddy, she loves her time with them but I am the one feeling guilty.
One day I keep telling myself. One day it will get better and we will be in a better place for me to enjoy more than 30 hours a week with my kids. I keep hoping for that day!
Happy Wednesday I guess.
MER.
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