5 Years Later

Meghan, 

It's been 5 years without you and I still feel like I lost you yesterday,

The pain is the same, the questions remain and I feel lost today.

You've reminded me of your presence and I can't help but laugh,

When you peek into my dreams and make me think of our past.

You're always around in the sun, sky and rain,

but no matter how beautiful the roses I still feel all the pain. 

Your memory remains vivid in my mind,

And though I am chasing my dreams, 

and making new friends... 

I feel like I am leaving something important behind.

I know you watch over us, and

I know you help me through tough times and tears.

But, it still hurts like hell and I don't know how I've made it through five years.

You were my sister, my soul mate, 

My breath of fresh air.

You were a pain in my butt, as I was yours... 

Roommates and friends,

Co workers and bar-goers.

We had it all even though short-lived,

We loved.

We dreamed. 

We traveled.

We lived.

I can't put into words how unreal it feels. Yesterday I was thinking about my best friend McKensey and how we talk every day. We talk about our babies, hubbies and house hunting adventures. We talk about recent Target and Babies R' Us shopping trips, walks outside and the weather but most importantly we talk about Meghan.. often. We talk about her and what she would be doing today, how much fun we would have all had together in Traverse City on our girls weekend getaway and how much wine we would have really drank if only Meghan was there... We talk about her laugh, her snorting when she laughed, her dumb yet seemingly funny jokes about cats (especially our cat O'Malley), and Borat. I think about her and talk about her as if she were still here. 

Yet, 5 years later I am thinking... HOLY SHIT, I miss my best friend.

You know, life these days true best friends are hard to come by. They come and go like women change their panties or if that's not often for some... like T.Swift changes boyfriends and to be honest, the good ones are really rare (again kind of like T.Swift and her songs) Meghan was a rare one. She cared about you whole heartedly. She told you straight up if you looked like a hot mess. She would make fun of you to your face, not behind your back. She would be there for a shoulder to cry on or cry with, and even bring a bottle of wine with her. She would be your partner in crime and then back you up in court. She was intelligent, kind but she was a bad ass. She was the kind of girl who rocked anything from Hollister Jeans to North Face jackets and made it all look good and of course I was always envious. She was also the kind of girl who knew what she wanted in life and made damn sure she got it. She was my role model and most importantly, one of my very best friends. 

Now as the years go on I am left with fading photos but everlasting, 

and amazing memories like the picture above. It was the very first photo we ever took together, randomly at the mall and she thought it was so cool that you could take photos in a photo booth. We both had a copy of this. Now this one is on my fridge and the other is with her, in her casket so she can always have it. 

I am left with dreams and thoughts of her in my daily life.

I listen to songs on the radio and think of her.

I go for a walk and think of her as I see puddles and worms that she hated so much at our apartment, I can't go to Pottery Barn without thinking of our shopping sprees and that chair we loved so much that her mom got us, the Coach store reminds me of the first birthday gift she ever bought for me, East Lansing reminds me of the first time I EVER tried Sushi and ever bought an MSU shirt... Why? because she told me I had to go to an MSU game with her. And we ended up having a blast that night in E.L! 

Jeeps remind me of the first time we drove off road and went "mudding" only to drive over a huge stump and we got so scared her parents would be mad at us!

Road trips remind me of driving straight through to TN and getting a ticket at 2am!

Outback reminds me of her and how much fun we had as co workers, and it's the first place we met. I feel like I could go on and on....

& on!

But, reality is... It's true. 

I could go on more about my best friends than any ex boyfriend I've ever had. I cherish the memories made with her and I miss her every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of what she would be doing today, where she would be, and who she would be married to or what her kids would look like. Where would she be working? ... Probably some law firm, environmental science place, or in school to be a doctor... she would totally do something crazy like that.

All I can do now is cherish every day like its my last in honor of her.

Kiss my daughter so much every single day because I never know what tomorrow holds, 

and tell my best friends I love them every single day.

Because let's face it... 

Meghan and I did.

Love you Meghan,

Hope you're enjoying Heaven.

You'll be remembered FOREVER! 

<3 

Lazy Days with Lots of Love

It's finally approaching L's bedtime, I am still in my pajamas from last night (I did shower at least!) and L got out of one set of jam's, had a bath and is wearing another pair! 

It's cool in the house, all of our blankets are spread on the couch and candles are filling the house with aroma's of berries. It's feeling cozy! 

Our day started with cuddles but when I got up to make breakfast for L and I she snuck my iPad and turned on her favorite game. So my morning was full of coffee, cuddles, building monsters on our iPad and chatting with my best friend about our dear littles. 

The morning went by so fast, L was tired by noon or so, so we went upstairs for a nap. Although, it wasn't that easy. I'm still recovering from surgery so I have a hard time kneeling down next to L's bed. Because of that, she got a little spoiled and got to cuddle with me in my bed! She fell right asleep! So sweet and peaceful! (Of course I used this to my advantage and took such cute photos of her!)

L got up after a quick hour and a half nap and we cuddled of course! We watched cartoons, read books, played with ALL of her toys that would possibly fit on the couch - and painted! 

I had a DIY project in mind so I painted with "mommy paint" and L painted with "little kid paint"! L was so proud of her paintings that she had to hang them on the fridge! She made one for Mommy and one for Daddy. 

When hubby came home on lunch L ran right into the kitchen to show off her artwork! He was so proud and she said "Daddy like my paint!" 

I am really getting comfortable with this whole staying home with my daughter thing. We read, she learned new things, we painted and played and relaxed... All in all it was such a great day. 

Now we are cuddling on the couch watchingn Disney Jr and having a snack. My brother is here to hangout and entertain little L before her bedtime too! What a great day! 

Goodnight XO!

Love You SO MUCH

Remember my previous blog about my heart melting like ice cream on a hot summer day that just made you want to cry? Well that happened again tonight. Yep. 

Me: "Lenny, get in bed it's time to go night."

L: "Okay, mom!" (Jumps in bed soooo excitedly) 

Me: "I love you Lennon! I love you so much!"

L: "I love you so much mommy!"

I mean seriously, is that not to die for? Or, at least bit melt for. I just love the sound of her little two year old, sweet and innocent voice talking to me saying I love you. It's the sweetest sound. 

I remember when we first had L, over two years ago now. We were talking about her coo's and ahh's and random squirmy noises she would make constantly. We, my husband and I, would always wonder what she was going to sound like when she grew up. Voices change, and hers will more and more as she gets older but right now, I couldn't even dream of a sweeter sound in the world. When we would sit on the couch and babble with her as a newborn we imagined what she would sound like but never in a million years did I think it would make my heart burst like this to hear her talk to us. 

I love her so, so, so much and I will tell her that every day of my life.

Melting.

Have you ever felt your heart melt?
Not a little bit like your first kiss in High School... or even the feeling of being proposed to... (that was more of a stomach in the throat feeling anyway). No. I'm talking about your heart just being so overjoyed with LOVE and that mushy-gushy-warmth feeling that you literally melt. Your heart sinks, your body gets warm like the feeling of drinking coffee on a cold morning and you sink into an emotional trance for a moment. 

Has that happened to you?

It happened to me. 
This morning when my little Lennon said, "Momma, I wanna cuddle you". Yep. I physically, emotionally, mentally... melted. I don't even think it was just my heart... I think it was my entire body that melted into the corner of the couch as she put her little curly blonde head on my shoulder and wrapped her silky blankey around her hands with her little paci in her mouth. I couldn't stop smiling. I kissed her head, I held her hand and I told her I loved her about a million times, as if she doesn't hear it enough. Dan and I both smiled at each other like we just knew what each other was thinking. We fell in love a little bit more with each other, being parents and little L. 

I am so in love with being a mom, how could you not be in love with being a MOM? I don't know why I didn't do it earlier. HA! Who am I kidding? But seriously, being a mom has changed my life, being a DAD has changed my husbands life and we couldn't even imagine where we would be without her. I want to give my daughter the world. I want to protect her from that same world. There are so many things I could go on and on and on about... but truth is, I love my daughter and I love the fact that I know what it feels like to melt... because I am so completely in love! 

Best Friends

Recently I was browsing some social network phenomenon when I came across this blog and I felt the need to read it. Not only did I feel compelled to read it but I read it more than once and cried as I read it. I cried, read it once and then read it again, and again and again as I sent myself through a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions of lost friendships, hard times and memories... This blog I came across was titled, "To My Ex-Best Friend on Her Wedding Day". The title really does say it all and if you know me well enough to realize what I have been through you will know that I have lost a few too many friends in this lifetime. I have been a bad friend, a terrible friend, a backstabbing-bitch of a friend but worse, horribly worse, I have been the kind of friend that will walk away.  I have been the kind of friend that cares too much and tries to mend friendships that aren't meant to be mended. Friendships come and go. The good ones are like a bottle of wine and get stronger as they age, the bad ones are like... well, they're like a cheap bottle of Vodka, they leave a bad taste in your mouth and you can't stand them for long without it making you ill. Seriously, though... We are women, we are human and we have all had our fare share of relationships with friends. We have been through hell and back, hurt each others feelings, broken each others hearts but in the end when you look back at those years what do you see? How do you feel? Some of the friendships I have looked back on I have said to myself, "Meh, I don't miss it...". Many of those friendships though, I look back and think... "I really miss her, I really wonder how things would be now". I owe so much of my life to my past friendships, good and bad. No matter how they ended up I am forever grateful, thankful and honored to have them in my life. Although, It's weird to sit back and think about my life before kids, before marriage and before settling down. Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE tells you, oh you will really find out who your true friends are when you get married or have kids! Is that a true statement? NO. Not one bit. 

I got pregnant at 21, had a child at 22, got married at 23 and I have 2 very best friends. Before I got married I still had best friends, but I had more friends than I do now. But now I have more TRUE friends. Make sense? I don't think getting married and having children changes you - It changes the people around you. Friends who are single want to go out and have fun, alone... not with you AND your husband. Friends who don't have kids want to hangout with you and go shopping... they don't want to hangout with you and your cheerio covered self pushing a stroller through the mall with a screaming two year old in it. ... Or do they? Did I have the wrong friends? It's hard to say. It's hard to say if in life we choose the right people for us, our "friend soul mates". But the glorious thing about life is we learn along the way which people are right for us. You do truly "weed out" your friends when you settle down, get married, have kids, etc. but why are people so harsh to judge and say it's OUR faults as mothers, wives and successful women? 

Back to this blog I found - I came across it like I mentioned while browsing FB or some other social media site. As I read it I started tearing up. I immediately thought about my ex's, my old friends who I don't talk to anymore,  my past soul-mates that for one reason - or many - aren't here with me anymore. This blog is written by Taylor George, (the entire blog can be found here To My Ex-Best Friend On Her Wedding Day). She says it so well... all those thoughts that many of us women probably have when we miss an old friend, think of her/him, and wish things would have ended different and so on... 

"I formed so many close bonds and friendships during college. It was such a transitory time in my life, yet also a period of so little responsibility. I found that some of my most intense relationships and fondest memories were with those close friends whose place in my life didn’t end up standing the test of time. At the time I couldn’t imagine a day without those friends, and owe much of the person I am today to our experiences together.

When you are in a completely new place on your own, finding a confidant that you can share your secrets with and be yourself around is nothing that should be taken for granted. I look back fondly on how carefree we were, what stupid decisions we made together, but mostly how much genuine fun we had doing absolutely nothing.

It is unbelievable how strong of a friendship can spark in such a seemingly short amount of time – very similar to a first love. Screw boys, best friend breakups sting much harder. Perhaps it is because there isn’t just one “spot” in your life for a best friend – unlike a boyfriend. When that void is created by a terminated friendship, it may never be filled again. Each close friendship is unique, and more difficult to replace than one romantic relationship with another. I think part of growing up is learning to deal with that reality.

A girl’s wedding day is iconic in the friendship department, especially in college (ESPECIALLY in the South). We were all far enough away from our wedding day that it seemed like a distant fantasy, yet close enough to know who absolutely needed to be by our sides when that day came. None of us had a clue who the lucky guy would be, but we already had all the debauchery planned for the most iconic bachelorette party of all time.

Then you grow up. Life happens. You grow apart. You move away. Maybe a silly fight that gets taken completely too far is the catalyst to extinguish your seemingly solid friendship beyond repair. Maybe it goes deeper – two opposing stances, in which a friendship cannot flourish if neither side will bend. No matter the reason, the result is all the same. You will move on and so will they. Life goes on.

Most days it’s okay, especially if you aren’t in each other’s day to day lives. However, there are those certain occasions where you can’t help but notice their absence in your life, and wonder if they feel the same. I’ve surely made mistakes in friendships, and am thankful for the lessons I have learned. I appreciate the value of true friendships more now than ever, and try to reflect on the happy moments and not dwell on the sadness of some of my friendship failures.

So for my once-close friends that are no more, I am sorry that I wasn’t there for the monumental moments that have happened. Some of you are married, some soon to be, so since I didn’t make it or I won’t be there, below is my message to you on your wedding day:

"I can’t believe this day is finally here. We always joked about the impossibility in finding a guy who would be able to “put up with us,” but in reality we knew any eligible bachelor should be so lucky. I’m glad you’ve found someone who loves you, who appreciates you, and who makes you feel whole. I’m thankful that you didn’t settle for any of the interesting characters that we encountered in our college town or on an infamous college vacation. All I have to say is, thank goodness we never went to Vegas! I’m sorry if I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been, or understood the importance of spending time with that special someone. I wish you success- both personally and professionally, both as an individual and in your relationship. The glory of being so close to someone is being touched by their true potential- and you have so much ability to change the world. I hope that this day is everything you’ve dreamed of (and it’s probably a blessing in disguise that I’m not there forced to awkwardly pretend to dance, you know how bad of a dancer I am…). In all honesty, I’m really sorry I let you down and I’m not there to share this day with you. Although our futures ended up heading in different directions, I only wish you the best, and will always be a phone call away if you ever need a friend today, tomorrow, or ten years from now."

I read this and thought of one person especially and that's my ex-best friend. 

I read this and cried as I thought about her. I reminisced about the fun times, good memories, bad bar nights, bad bar fights and break ups, the hilarious all nighters, the 2 AM holding your hair back annoying moments, the spontaneous road trips, the crazy car rides blaring music, chasing boys, chasing ex's, making prank phone calls, staying up all night just to watch re-runs of our favorite shows that we have seen a million times already. Why? I couldn't help it. What can I say? I am a girl... a really emotional girl who misses those old times no matter how shitty the best friend break up was.

I found myself in a bit of a pickle. I looked back on our friendship and asked myself, where did I go wrong? What did I do to get here? What did I say that made her hate me? ... and I tried to tell myself that it may not all be my fault, it may be what TG says: "I think part of growing up is learning to deal with that reality." But, when did it become NORMAL for women to grow apart so quickly after one has a child and gets married? It's a hard concept to grasp and even harder to understand enough to tell about it in a personal blog. 

All I know now is that friendship is gone... I have done my best to be okay with it, and in time I forgot most of the bad... but that didn't make me okay with the way things ended. I broke down and sent this link to my ex-best friend and told her I was thinking of her, missing her, and told her that I felt like she needed to know this as it was everything I was thinking of saying to her before her big day. So I sent it on to her, and never heard a word back. I guess in life it's better to say your peace and let things go. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, that doesn't mean I don't think about my ex-best friend and ex-partner in crime. I have best friends now, I always have had them and I always will. But, some things need to be said, some things need to try to be mended and I felt like I needed to try.

So I did... 

What time will do next is a mystery.

Favorites on Friday

HAPPY FRIDAY, friends! 

I figured that since I am living on my couch for the next week and a half I will do something useful and make a blog about my favorite things today (and mostly everyday)! Enjoy. :)

1. TOMS toothpaste. My best friend introduced me to this and now I can't imagine ever going back to regular toothpaste. My teeth feel clean all day, there is no grit or bad aftertaste left over & it's healthier because it's all natural ingredients! Although, it's a little bit more pricey it's SO worth it! 

Check it out here - TOMS

2. I am SO obsessed with my new Naked 2 eye palette. I can't believe I ever lived without this. Yes, it's expensive. Yes, it's worth it. Just buy it... 

Trust me, You'll never go back to Maybeline.

3. My new perfume... An old favorite that I recently bought a new bottle of. 

I love the sweet, fresh, summery smell. MMHM! 

4. I recently bought a gym membership... and my doctor told me it's time to lose weight. So... I have been investing in more organic fruits and veggies. 

The difference in price at Meijer is no more than $1.00 I have found so far... Most expensive difference from regular-organic is the apples and grapes. They were about $1.00 more per lb. No big deal... We love the fresh taste of the organic fruits and veggies! 

This is a really helpful cheat sheet that I have on my phone for when we are at the grocery store. My BIFF also told me that it's best to stay on the outer lanes of the grocery store and to not go down those tempting ailes in the middle. Good tip! 

5. My next fav. is FALL outfits. I have been on my Pinterest page a lot lately pinning new Fall trends and I am finding that I am so in love with the comfy cozies. I am secretly wishing this summer weather would be over sooner rather than later... I want to dive right in to scarves, leggings, long sweaters and comfy boots. Fall clothes are SO my thing! 

I love Michigan Fall weather!

6. True statement: I love my hubby to the moon and back!

I recently saw my other best friend this week and we chatted about our husbands... 

She made a good point, "Why do people always post mushy-gushy things on FB about how in love they are with their perfect boyfriends... blah, blah, blah. Marriage isn't perfect, I hate my husband sometimes and I will say it!" It is so true! We both laughed because seriously, somedays are good, somedays are bad and that's life. That's the life of a married couple. Some days I really hate my hubs but this past week he's literally been PHENOMENAL. He's been Mr. Mom, doing the dishes, cleaning up after me and L. Playing with our daughter while I am laid up, making dinner, tending to me to make sure I don't fall flat on my face after all these drugs I am taking... and he's been rocking at it! I couldn't ask for a better hubby. I am seriously so blessed! (ask me about him NEXT week to see how I feel when these pain killers wear off) :)

ONE MORE THING before I go,

My hubby is currently upstairs putting Lennon to bed and he texts me.

I literally laughed out loud! 

Have a good weekend friends! 

XO