I've been slacking in the blogging department. School, work, babe, baby (two year old baby). If you're a mom, wife and work full time you know where I'm coming from! I barely get a chance to sit down and pee and even then, L is barging in on me asking for something. Whew.
In the past few weeks we have been crazy busy. We have been enjoying Fall as much as possible before full blown winter sets in!
L sure did enjoy the leaves! Seriously, look at that face!!!!
This is definitely my fav photo of the Fall! Lennon had a blast jumping and playing in the leaves at Nani, Papa's!
L and I loved spending cold, Fall days on the couch snuggling and making funny faces at each other! It's so great to watch her grow up and develop such a fun personality. She is HILARIOUS.
& Hubs and I went on a date night to enjoy some us time! We went out to the new Bancroft Wine and Martini Bar for some drinks one Sat. night and we were less than impressed. Not happy with their lack of organization and crappy customer service but hey, the wine and martini ROCKED and I left a little tipsy so all is well with me! (Thank goodness)
<3
Halloween Time! Lennon was so happy to dress up like a pumpkin, then like a little Monster. All day on Halloween and the night before her name was "Monster" not Lennon! She demanded you call her Monster, it was too damn cute.
L was a little Monster and she made Lucky a Monster too!
Recently, we were able to enjoy the company of our best friends and their kiddos! I love having adult time and drinks while the kids play! So happy we will soon be in the same neighborhood as our bff's! This is a prime example of why moms and dad's cannot have "double dates"... we just love our kids too much! So, we drink, cuddle with the kiddos and enjoy our time together! We all had a blast!
& my favorite NEW shooties! They hurt like hell but they are SO worth it! Like they all say, you can NEVER go to Target for 1 thing. You WILL ALWAYS walk out with a new outfit, shoes or candles that are on clearance! Target, you rock.
& the MOST EXCITING thing about this Fall...
BUYING A HOUSE!
We just closed on our first house this Halloween! YAY!!!!
(Sorry that it's such a bad pic. I took it at night and Dan told me I was a creeper for stopping in the middle of the road to get a pic of the SOLD sign! There is more to come later in a new blog!!! Taking applications for professional interior designers NOW!)....
It's an early morning.
Coffee with hazelnut cream, old episodes of Sex and The City on T.V because, let's face it... who wants to watch the news right now? It's filled with horrifying terrorism news and sad news about children dying all over the world from diseases. I feel blessed this morning as I sit here and think about my life after turning off the news and distancing myself from reality.
My morning is going to be slow and lazy as I sit here and blog instead of going to the gym. I really should have gotten up this morning when my hubs did and gone to the gym instead of make a half-pot of coffee. But, it's so cold outside and so warm under this cozy blanket on my couch. Why is fall the lazy season after all?
I think I am just blogging to ramble this morning so I feel more sane getting my thoughts out on paper.
But, In reality I am just having high anxiety, I am a little sad and a little nauseated... maybe that's just cramps? Who really knows. I have boat loads of homework that's not getting done right now... or later because, I am having drinks with a friend after work. And, I have anxiety because we are still... impatiently... very annoyingly... waiting to hear back from our mortgage company about our house approval. I am seriously just getting anxious about moving in!
Today is my late best friends birthday. I feel a little weird saying it like that. "Late", sounds so officially gone. I can't believe it's been five years since I last saw her, talked to her and hung out with her. I feel like she is still here, and maybe she is. Maybe she's watching over us, and I am okay with that. So, tonight I will celebrate as if she's still here. Catching up with a new best friend whom I have had the pleasure of meeting, ironically... one night at a bar. We are going to celebrate friendship and the love that comes after loss. Because, we wouldn't be where we are today.... she wouldn't have the two beautiful children she has... or the wonderful marriage. Let's face it, maybe things happen for a reason.
Happy Birthday, Meghan.
Happy Tuesday.
I've been in school for a few weeks now and I think I have finally reached my point of hell no, I cannot freakin' do this... I am going to quit!But I didn't. I can't... I mean, I can but I would really regret it and my hubs may kill me if I don't finish school this time. I need this! I just need to keep telling myself I CAN do this. Like the book, The Little Engine That Could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
It's only MONDAY for God sakes and wouldn't ya know it, I feel defeated already. My weekend was great, though. We had a date night Saturday night, much thanks to my wonderful in-laws, which was very eventful; dinner, drinks, movie - which was scary as eff, more drinks and then home to crash and not even remember telling each other goodnight. Sunday was stressful. Sunday consisted of lots of homework, grocery shopping, more grocery shopping, dinner at my mom and dads house, L being cranky and not pooping, Dan and I not really getting along like we should and that's all that needs to be said about that. It was HELL. I was stressed out, and really, really wanted to give up. I finally took a pill and went to bed to call it a night.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I felt like the world was in fast motion and I was late for everything even though I was up two hours before I had to be to work. I felt like I needed to be somewhere, and I should have been. AT THE GYM. Dumbass. Again, I forgot to go to the gym this morning and I hate when that happens because Goodness Gracious God Almighty freakin' knows I won't go when I get home at night because, let's face it... that's wine time.
So, I hurried up... got ready for work (that is, after I laid in bed for an hour... HAHA) and I rushed out the door, hit the drive thru at Starbucks for my fav. pumpkin spiced latte with a triple shot and went to work only to have an even worse day to add to my glorious Sunday and Monday morning so far. It was SLOOOOOOW at work. Slow is an understatement. I didn't meet with anyone, didn't talk with anyone, didn't do much of ANYTHING all damn day. Corporate won't be happy that's for sure. Whoops. So, while I was at work, doing nothing... I realized that Facebook takes up too much of my life. Um, DUH, who hasn't realized that yet? But, really... I did. I realized that when I come home, I am on FB, when I go to bed I check FB, when I am upset... well, I look at FB then ask my friends why I am not tagged in their dumb status' that every other gosh darn friend is tagged in. Rant over. I am done, done, done with Facebook. I decided that this week I am officially done with it and deleting it. I can't take it anymore. So, if you need me... CALL. No hard feelings or anything.
Well, here I am... I come home, I have cramps. So I eat, grab my computer, do homework and then end up pouring a glass of Merlot to enjoy alone. I am finally... well, almost relaxed. Until I realize I have like 15 more assignments to do this week before I finish this Seminar I am in. FMLx200000000!
Just as I felt like I was overwhelmed to my max and about to throw my computer across the room tonight, I was about to close Pandora out and sit in silence but, Let It Be came on the radio. I sat in silence except for the sweet sound of The Beatles calming me down and reminding me that everything will be okay and to just simply, Let It Be. I think little reminders like that are meant to be. So, for now... I will drink my wine, close out of my homework, dye my hair, and maybe have a treat.
It's been 5 years without you and I still feel like I lost you yesterday,
The pain is the same, the questions remain and I feel lost today.
You've reminded me of your presence and I can't help but laugh,
When you peek into my dreams and make me think of our past.
You're always around in the sun, sky and rain,
but no matter how beautiful the roses I still feel all the pain.
Your memory remains vivid in my mind,
And though I am chasing my dreams,
and making new friends...
I feel like I am leaving something important behind.
I know you watch over us, and
I know you help me through tough times and tears.
But, it still hurts like hell and I don't know how I've made it through five years.
You were my sister, my soul mate,
My breath of fresh air.
You were a pain in my butt, as I was yours...
Roommates and friends,
Co workers and bar-goers.
We had it all even though short-lived,
We loved.
We dreamed.
We traveled.
We lived.
I can't put into words how unreal it feels. Yesterday I was thinking about my best friend McKensey and how we talk every day. We talk about our babies, hubbies and house hunting adventures. We talk about recent Target and Babies R' Us shopping trips, walks outside and the weather but most importantly we talk about Meghan.. often. We talk about her and what she would be doing today, how much fun we would have all had together in Traverse City on our girls weekend getaway and how much wine we would have really drank if only Meghan was there... We talk about her laugh, her snorting when she laughed, her dumb yet seemingly funny jokes about cats (especially our cat O'Malley), and Borat. I think about her and talk about her as if she were still here.
Yet, 5 years later I am thinking... HOLY SHIT, I miss my best friend.
You know, life these days true best friends are hard to come by. They come and go like women change their panties or if that's not often for some... like T.Swift changes boyfriends and to be honest, the good ones are really rare (again kind of like T.Swift and her songs) Meghan was a rare one. She cared about you whole heartedly. She told you straight up if you looked like a hot mess. She would make fun of you to your face, not behind your back. She would be there for a shoulder to cry on or cry with, and even bring a bottle of wine with her. She would be your partner in crime and then back you up in court. She was intelligent, kind but she was a bad ass. She was the kind of girl who rocked anything from Hollister Jeans to North Face jackets and made it all look good and of course I was always envious. She was also the kind of girl who knew what she wanted in life and made damn sure she got it. She was my role model and most importantly, one of my very best friends.
Now as the years go on I am left with fading photos but everlasting,
and amazing memories like the picture above. It was the very first photo we ever took together, randomly at the mall and she thought it was so cool that you could take photos in a photo booth. We both had a copy of this. Now this one is on my fridge and the other is with her, in her casket so she can always have it.
I am left with dreams and thoughts of her in my daily life.
I listen to songs on the radio and think of her.
I go for a walk and think of her as I see puddles and worms that she hated so much at our apartment, I can't go to Pottery Barn without thinking of our shopping sprees and that chair we loved so much that her mom got us, the Coach store reminds me of the first birthday gift she ever bought for me, East Lansing reminds me of the first time I EVER tried Sushi and ever bought an MSU shirt... Why? because she told me I had to go to an MSU game with her. And we ended up having a blast that night in E.L!
Jeeps remind me of the first time we drove off road and went "mudding" only to drive over a huge stump and we got so scared her parents would be mad at us!
Road trips remind me of driving straight through to TN and getting a ticket at 2am!
Outback reminds me of her and how much fun we had as co workers, and it's the first place we met. I feel like I could go on and on....
& on!
But, reality is... It's true.
I could go on more about my best friends than any ex boyfriend I've ever had. I cherish the memories made with her and I miss her every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of what she would be doing today, where she would be, and who she would be married to or what her kids would look like. Where would she be working? ... Probably some law firm, environmental science place, or in school to be a doctor... she would totally do something crazy like that.
All I can do now is cherish every day like its my last in honor of her.
Kiss my daughter so much every single day because I never know what tomorrow holds,
and tell my best friends I love them every single day.
It's finally approaching L's bedtime, I am still in my pajamas from last night (I did shower at least!) and L got out of one set of jam's, had a bath and is wearing another pair!
It's cool in the house, all of our blankets are spread on the couch and candles are filling the house with aroma's of berries. It's feeling cozy!
Our day started with cuddles but when I got up to make breakfast for L and I she snuck my iPad and turned on her favorite game. So my morning was full of coffee, cuddles, building monsters on our iPad and chatting with my best friend about our dear littles.
The morning went by so fast, L was tired by noon or so, so we went upstairs for a nap. Although, it wasn't that easy. I'm still recovering from surgery so I have a hard time kneeling down next to L's bed. Because of that, she got a little spoiled and got to cuddle with me in my bed! She fell right asleep! So sweet and peaceful! (Of course I used this to my advantage and took such cute photos of her!)
L got up after a quick hour and a half nap and we cuddled of course! We watched cartoons, read books, played with ALL of her toys that would possibly fit on the couch - and painted!
I had a DIY project in mind so I painted with "mommy paint" and L painted with "little kid paint"! L was so proud of her paintings that she had to hang them on the fridge! She made one for Mommy and one for Daddy.
When hubby came home on lunch L ran right into the kitchen to show off her artwork! He was so proud and she said "Daddy like my paint!"
I am really getting comfortable with this whole staying home with my daughter thing. We read, she learned new things, we painted and played and relaxed... All in all it was such a great day.
Now we are cuddling on the couch watchingn Disney Jr and having a snack. My brother is here to hangout and entertain little L before her bedtime too! What a great day!
Remember my previous blog about my heart melting like ice cream on a hot summer day that just made you want to cry? Well that happened again tonight. Yep.
Me: "Lenny, get in bed it's time to go night."
L: "Okay, mom!" (Jumps in bed soooo excitedly)
Me: "I love you Lennon! I love you so much!"
L: "I love you so much mommy!"
I mean seriously, is that not to die for? Or, at least bit melt for. I just love the sound of her little two year old, sweet and innocent voice talking to me saying I love you. It's the sweetest sound.
I remember when we first had L, over two years ago now. We were talking about her coo's and ahh's and random squirmy noises she would make constantly. We, my husband and I, would always wonder what she was going to sound like when she grew up. Voices change, and hers will more and more as she gets older but right now, I couldn't even dream of a sweeter sound in the world. When we would sit on the couch and babble with her as a newborn we imagined what she would sound like but never in a million years did I think it would make my heart burst like this to hear her talk to us.
I love her so, so, so much and I will tell her that every day of my life.
Have you ever felt your heart melt? Not a little bit like your first kiss in High School... or even the feeling of being proposed to... (that was more of a stomach in the throat feeling anyway). No. I'm talking about your heart just being so overjoyed with LOVE and that mushy-gushy-warmth feeling that you literally melt. Your heart sinks, your body gets warm like the feeling of drinking coffee on a cold morning and you sink into an emotional trance for a moment. Has that happened to you? It happened to me. This morning when my little Lennon said, "Momma, I wanna cuddle you". Yep. I physically, emotionally, mentally... melted. I don't even think it was just my heart... I think it was my entire body that melted into the corner of the couch as she put her little curly blonde head on my shoulder and wrapped her silky blankey around her hands with her little paci in her mouth. I couldn't stop smiling. I kissed her head, I held her hand and I told her I loved her about a million times, as if she doesn't hear it enough. Dan and I both smiled at each other like we just knew what each other was thinking. We fell in love a little bit more with each other, being parents and little L.
I am so in love with being a mom, how could you not be in love with being a MOM? I don't know why I didn't do it earlier. HA! Who am I kidding? But seriously, being a mom has changed my life, being a DAD has changed my husbands life and we couldn't even imagine where we would be without her. I want to give my daughter the world. I want to protect her from that same world. There are so many things I could go on and on and on about... but truth is, I love my daughter and I love the fact that I know what it feels like to melt... because I am so completely in love!
