The Light Switch Effect

Love is a strange and beautiful thing.

I always thought I knew what love meant. I grew up hearing those three words said everyday to my brother and I. It was on TV, in books I read, and most of all within my family. Love was everywhere. I thought I knew how to love someone. I was told that love was a warm, fuzzy feeling inside your heart when your mommy & daddy hug you or kiss you, like the feeling you get when you're holding your favorite blankie or teddy. I had that feeling, but never realized it until something bad happened.

I began associating that warm fuzzy feeling with hurt, pain, angst and depression because those were the times I needed it most, and too many times it was hard to find. I found comfort in my writing, my books, and my blankie (yes, from when I was a baby and still own to this day!) because they didn't judge me, scold me, or hurt me.

The big-ugly-hurtful D word. I was young when my parents divorced. I went to a Catholic school, I believed in God and believed that with God all things were possible. Divorce wasn't. It was unheard of in my mind. How do you listen to someone tell you they're getting a divorce from the one and only person you've ever had in your life to rely on? The two people who taught me about love didn't love eachother anymore. As a child that is the most hurtful, damaging feeling you can have - the feeling of your heart being crushed. My world felt like it was falling apart. How do you still believe in love after that? What was love anyway? I thought it was that feeling that wasn't supposed to go away, between two people - especially a mommy & a daddy. So where does the love go? So many questions ran through my mind, that day, that year, and years after that I still don't have answers for today.

Thus I began my journey into my teenage years and adulthood. Learning how to be a woman, a compassionate friend, and a loyal lover. It was hard to say the least. I began finding compassion in those who hurt me, and those I hurt. I wanted the love-hate light switch relationships because that is what I was use to. I didn't know how to love without hurting. I found myself craving the relationships that were toxic.

"As an adult, toxic relationships come in the form of parents, siblings, other family, friends, spouses, partners, bosses, co-workers. It can be anyone you are involved with who has the ability to impact your life or your thoughts. The toxins that are let forth poison your mind and soul. It eats away at your self esteem and slowly your mind starts to attack itself."

Toxic relationships have molded my past. I have never been able to mend the wound that came from my parents divorce, the fighting, arguing, cheating, and most of all the heartbreak. It really shaped me into this horrible person and I was exemplifying the manners I grew up knowing and being a part of. Every relationship I've had has failed. Whether it may be with friends, boyfriends, co-workers, you name it I've ruined it. For various reasons, some good, some bad I have ruined close relationships with people around me. Countless times I have sat and pondered the idea of what went wrong, who is to blame, and what could have made it better. I realize now that things happen for a reason, and so be it. Every relationship I have had has been the Light Switch Effect. A relationship that is on and off more times that one can count.

Truth is, I never knew how much love I had until I had my daughter and looked into her eyes. The first thing I said was "I love you". Three words that never meant a thing to me. I was saying them proudly, and with every single breath she took that love grew. But not only did I fall in love with her that morning, I truly fell in love with her father. Looking into her fathers eyes when we said her name for the very first timegave me chills. Looking up at him as I held our baby girl, and kissing him was that heart-warming-fuzzy feeling that I felt when I was a child. Those moments were the best moments of my life. Before this day we were the epitome of The Light Switch Effect. Our on and off relationship over the past two years has had its share of hurt, anger, and betrayal. But even through the rough times we were there for eachother and we made it. He stuck by my side when I needed him most, and never gave up hope that this relationship would last. He held my hand the entire journey, from the first night at the trashy bar we met in to the screaming, pushing and hours of labor. I couldn't see the love I had inside of me until something good happened in my life. I took a step back and thought of all the good times, smiling, and laughing. It was then that I noticed I do have people in my life that I love, that love me and aren't here to just hurt me. That will stay by my side no matter what happens. That is love. When the light switch is on more than it's off.

I truly fell in love, and falling in love is an amazing feeling!