Self Realization

Kaila and the really, really, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day rough week. YES, I said week and YES I know it's only Tuesday. (FML)

Preface - London is three months old now and demanding even more attention  She's clingy, she's fussy when she's not being held, she plays for a bit then wants a change of scenery, etc. Baby life, ya know. Well, then Lennon is in this phase where she is desperate for our attention and there's just not enough time in the day to do everything we used to do together. We craft, we play games, we read, we watch TV together while London's nursing, but in her mind it's never enough.

So this week has been especially rough.

I've been so stressed out about my family, Dan is away on a business trip, and I am left here with the girls. It's really hard and the anxiety and stress of it all sucks, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS. Mom truth - I yelled at Lennon today. I yelled at her to be quiet after asking her politely (what seemed to be) over 100 times. Then of course, my yelling is what actually woke London up not Lennon. Grr. So, I sent her to her room for a time out because of her lashing out at me. (Hypocritical, right? I suck at mom life). She came out and huffed and puffed at me, stomped her feet and told me I was mean. In my mad moment I looked at her and said "go to your room and don't ever come back out". I was crying after that. Crying because of exhaustion and frustration, mad and sad, and all in all just pissed that I am here alone doing the work of twenty. 

Raising two kids is tough! Most days leave me wondering if I am really cut out for this, and I don't really know if I was cut out for this job. Everyone says two is twenty and three is three... and after this I can tell ya, I am so done at two. In the moments where I am nursing London to sleep the house needs to be calm and quiet for the most part because she's becoming more and more distracted while she's nursing. I am feeling guilty of the times that I tell Lennon "five more minutes and I will play with you", then twenty go by and it's lunch time, half hour goes by and then it's time to do something else or by that time London is up. It's hard to keep track of the hours in the day when it's consumed with an infant tugging at your breast and a toddler tugging at your leg. Both, equally needing your undivided attention in that moment and both going to go bat shit crazy if you don't give it to them. 

Before baby #2, Lennon and I did everything together, 24.freakin.7. We played games, we took walks, we went to the park, the mall, the museum, the pool, Target, you name it... we did it. It was EASY, it was quick and most of all it was fun with her and I. You know, she talks and laughs and giggles and is potty trained, low maintenance and all around a great kid to hangout with... a baby, not so much. We laugh so hard together when I am present, when I am ME and when I am in a good mood... and I miss that. I need that back! 

This week I questioned myself a lot. I asked myself if I could do this anymore, be a mom? a stay at home mom of two? be a working mom? I don't know. Many times I have wanted to give up but I know that I can't. Tonight, Lennon reminded me of why I can't and why I am enough even in all of my craziness. Tonight I put London to bed, showered with Lennon and then laid with her to read books. She grabbed her favorite Dr. Seuss book and she insisted on reading it to me. SHE read ME a book! She knew the whole story with certainty, read it with excitement and giggled the entire time as the story is funny - DUH, it's Dr. Seuss. Every page, almost exact words she read with a smile on her face. The look in her eyes was priceless "Hop on Pop..." she goes on, she laughs and turns the next page with anticipation. When the book was over she screeched "Mom I did it, I really did it!!!" and gave me a high-five! I told her great job and said laughing, "Where did you learn to read all of that?" She giggled and said, almost sarcastically, "You, mom. I learned it from YOU because you always read it to me and I remembered". 

Cue the tears. 

So, tonight I cuddled, snuggled, kissed and prayed with my little Lennon and told her how proud of her I am and always will be. She shared stories about school and how her day went, how she loves to read and play and she's happy I can stay home. Tonight I realized that this is what I am supposed to do, I can do this and it's paying off. Tonight I regret my harsh words, my tone of voice and being so mean sometimes. In that moment tonight with her I was so proud of her, so happy for her and that.... that's what makes this whole mom life so freakin' worth it. 

I am enough. I can do this. 

My silly, giggly, fun loving threenager & I in life's laughable moments...