Recently I was browsing some social network phenomenon when I came across this blog and I felt the need to read it. Not only did I feel compelled to read it but I read it more than once and cried as I read it. I cried, read it once and then read it again, and again and again as I sent myself through a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions of lost friendships, hard times and memories... This blog I came across was titled, "To My Ex-Best Friend on Her Wedding Day". The title really does say it all and if you know me well enough to realize what I have been through you will know that I have lost a few too many friends in this lifetime. I have been a bad friend, a terrible friend, a backstabbing-bitch of a friend but worse, horribly worse, I have been the kind of friend that will walk away. I have been the kind of friend that cares too much and tries to mend friendships that aren't meant to be mended. Friendships come and go. The good ones are like a bottle of wine and get stronger as they age, the bad ones are like... well, they're like a cheap bottle of Vodka, they leave a bad taste in your mouth and you can't stand them for long without it making you ill. Seriously, though... We are women, we are human and we have all had our fare share of relationships with friends. We have been through hell and back, hurt each others feelings, broken each others hearts but in the end when you look back at those years what do you see? How do you feel? Some of the friendships I have looked back on I have said to myself, "Meh, I don't miss it...". Many of those friendships though, I look back and think... "I really miss her, I really wonder how things would be now". I owe so much of my life to my past friendships, good and bad. No matter how they ended up I am forever grateful, thankful and honored to have them in my life. Although, It's weird to sit back and think about my life before kids, before marriage and before settling down. Everyone - and I mean EVERYONE tells you, oh you will really find out who your true friends are when you get married or have kids! Is that a true statement? NO. Not one bit.
I got pregnant at 21, had a child at 22, got married at 23 and I have 2 very best friends. Before I got married I still had best friends, but I had more friends than I do now. But now I have more TRUE friends. Make sense? I don't think getting married and having children changes you - It changes the people around you. Friends who are single want to go out and have fun, alone... not with you AND your husband. Friends who don't have kids want to hangout with you and go shopping... they don't want to hangout with you and your cheerio covered self pushing a stroller through the mall with a screaming two year old in it. ... Or do they? Did I have the wrong friends? It's hard to say. It's hard to say if in life we choose the right people for us, our "friend soul mates". But the glorious thing about life is we learn along the way which people are right for us. You do truly "weed out" your friends when you settle down, get married, have kids, etc. but why are people so harsh to judge and say it's OUR faults as mothers, wives and successful women?
Back to this blog I found - I came across it like I mentioned while browsing FB or some other social media site. As I read it I started tearing up. I immediately thought about my ex's, my old friends who I don't talk to anymore, my past soul-mates that for one reason - or many - aren't here with me anymore. This blog is written by Taylor George, (the entire blog can be found here To My Ex-Best Friend On Her Wedding Day). She says it so well... all those thoughts that many of us women probably have when we miss an old friend, think of her/him, and wish things would have ended different and so on...
"I formed so many close bonds and friendships during college. It was such a transitory time in my life, yet also a period of so little responsibility. I found that some of my most intense relationships and fondest memories were with those close friends whose place in my life didn’t end up standing the test of time. At the time I couldn’t imagine a day without those friends, and owe much of the person I am today to our experiences together.
When you are in a completely new place on your own, finding a confidant that you can share your secrets with and be yourself around is nothing that should be taken for granted. I look back fondly on how carefree we were, what stupid decisions we made together, but mostly how much genuine fun we had doing absolutely nothing.
It is unbelievable how strong of a friendship can spark in such a seemingly short amount of time – very similar to a first love. Screw boys, best friend breakups sting much harder. Perhaps it is because there isn’t just one “spot” in your life for a best friend – unlike a boyfriend. When that void is created by a terminated friendship, it may never be filled again. Each close friendship is unique, and more difficult to replace than one romantic relationship with another. I think part of growing up is learning to deal with that reality.
A girl’s wedding day is iconic in the friendship department, especially in college (ESPECIALLY in the South). We were all far enough away from our wedding day that it seemed like a distant fantasy, yet close enough to know who absolutely needed to be by our sides when that day came. None of us had a clue who the lucky guy would be, but we already had all the debauchery planned for the most iconic bachelorette party of all time.
Then you grow up. Life happens. You grow apart. You move away. Maybe a silly fight that gets taken completely too far is the catalyst to extinguish your seemingly solid friendship beyond repair. Maybe it goes deeper – two opposing stances, in which a friendship cannot flourish if neither side will bend. No matter the reason, the result is all the same. You will move on and so will they. Life goes on.
Most days it’s okay, especially if you aren’t in each other’s day to day lives. However, there are those certain occasions where you can’t help but notice their absence in your life, and wonder if they feel the same. I’ve surely made mistakes in friendships, and am thankful for the lessons I have learned. I appreciate the value of true friendships more now than ever, and try to reflect on the happy moments and not dwell on the sadness of some of my friendship failures.
So for my once-close friends that are no more, I am sorry that I wasn’t there for the monumental moments that have happened. Some of you are married, some soon to be, so since I didn’t make it or I won’t be there, below is my message to you on your wedding day:
"I can’t believe this day is finally here. We always joked about the impossibility in finding a guy who would be able to “put up with us,” but in reality we knew any eligible bachelor should be so lucky. I’m glad you’ve found someone who loves you, who appreciates you, and who makes you feel whole. I’m thankful that you didn’t settle for any of the interesting characters that we encountered in our college town or on an infamous college vacation. All I have to say is, thank goodness we never went to Vegas! I’m sorry if I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been, or understood the importance of spending time with that special someone. I wish you success- both personally and professionally, both as an individual and in your relationship. The glory of being so close to someone is being touched by their true potential- and you have so much ability to change the world. I hope that this day is everything you’ve dreamed of (and it’s probably a blessing in disguise that I’m not there forced to awkwardly pretend to dance, you know how bad of a dancer I am…). In all honesty, I’m really sorry I let you down and I’m not there to share this day with you. Although our futures ended up heading in different directions, I only wish you the best, and will always be a phone call away if you ever need a friend today, tomorrow, or ten years from now."
I read this and thought of one person especially and that's my ex-best friend.
I read this and cried as I thought about her. I reminisced about the fun times, good memories, bad bar nights, bad bar fights and break ups, the hilarious all nighters, the 2 AM holding your hair back annoying moments, the spontaneous road trips, the crazy car rides blaring music, chasing boys, chasing ex's, making prank phone calls, staying up all night just to watch re-runs of our favorite shows that we have seen a million times already. Why? I couldn't help it. What can I say? I am a girl... a really emotional girl who misses those old times no matter how shitty the best friend break up was.
I found myself in a bit of a pickle. I looked back on our friendship and asked myself, where did I go wrong? What did I do to get here? What did I say that made her hate me? ... and I tried to tell myself that it may not all be my fault, it may be what TG says: "I think part of growing up is learning to deal with that reality." But, when did it become NORMAL for women to grow apart so quickly after one has a child and gets married? It's a hard concept to grasp and even harder to understand enough to tell about it in a personal blog.
All I know now is that friendship is gone... I have done my best to be okay with it, and in time I forgot most of the bad... but that didn't make me okay with the way things ended. I broke down and sent this link to my ex-best friend and told her I was thinking of her, missing her, and told her that I felt like she needed to know this as it was everything I was thinking of saying to her before her big day. So I sent it on to her, and never heard a word back. I guess in life it's better to say your peace and let things go. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, that doesn't mean I don't think about my ex-best friend and ex-partner in crime. I have best friends now, I always have had them and I always will. But, some things need to be said, some things need to try to be mended and I felt like I needed to try.
So I did...
What time will do next is a mystery.
