The 4am Lesson

It's 4:23am and the baby monitor next to me is flashing, buzzing and I hear a whine begin to turn into a cry... I shut my eyes thinking... "not again, it will go away" just to be woken up by another loud cry. It's now 4:40am and I open my eyes again to the crying that's now loud and I realize she's not calming back down... and that I just slept for another 17 minutes (yay, me!) I force myself out of bed, pry my eyes open and tip toe into her room to scoop her up. She's wide eyed and as I pick her up she coo's at me, smiles and grabs onto the top of my shirt with two little fingers. As I am fumbling in the dark with my shirt, and grabbing a blanket to snuggle up with she starts this whimper, which is what we call the "boob cry", and it seems like I can't get to nursing her fast enough for her little rumbly belly. Nursing begins and she's a happy camper... closes her eyes, sighs and snuggles into me. The world is again perfect.

At the first sound of that cry in the middle of the night it's like hearing your alarm go off on a school day, like knowing you have to go to work on that bitter cold winter day and you're so cozy in your bed not wanting to move, or that Sunday morning when you're snuggled up with your husband and your toddler just wants cheerio's... and wants them NOW. You want to do anything and everything you can to stay in bed. I mean seriously, why haven't they invented a pump that reaches to the baby? or, even better... a mommy robot? A mom can dream, right?

Getting out of bed is the hardest part but once I am in my rocking chair, snuggled up and I can see... that's the realest struggle ever... I am happy once again. I am happy at 4am because I know she needs me and this won't last forever. I know that no matter how much I hate getting out of bed, moving away from my warm and cozy hubby snuggles and into a cold chair in her room it won't be this way forever. I may be going crazy on sleep deprivation, surviving on coffee and it may take me 17 minutes to realize I have to get up or my child will starve but I secretly love it. All moms secretly love it! 

I get to snuggle with her at her most innocent, peaceful time. She's quiet now, she's warm and snuggled up in my arms, she's dreaming... she's so beautiful. Her one hand us under my arm clinging to my shirt, her other hand is pinching the skin on my chest as she calms herself back down clinging on to me to make sure I am still there. I can grab her hand and she squeezes it so tight, I smell her fingers... coconut and lavender... I bend down and kiss her warm cheeks, her velvety soft skin, and smell her sweet baby smell. She's perfect. The crying matters, the screams from the unhappy baby were calling out for mommy, the inconsolable baby can be consoled... by mommy. She needs me, and I need the 4am snuggles. I need to be reminded that though the days are long and nights sometimes feel never-ending, those days do end and those nights get quieter. Those days turn into barbie play time, (yup... still surviving on coffee) and those nights turn into my little toddler saying "mommy you're holding me too tight", or "mom I want to go to bed by myself tonight". So, I cherish this time.

I will miss these 4am snuggles someday.

London | 4 Months

London is the happiest baby I have ever met (besides Lennon of course). But seriously, God blessed us with some great girls! Lately London has been discovering more and loving the world more every day. She's looking around more, following sounds and toys, grabbing things, laughing, giggling and kicking like crazy when she is excited about something.

FAVORITE THINGS

laughing, cooing, baths, playing with big sister, watching anything Lennon does... she always gets a huge smile on her face when she's watching her. OH, OH, OH, SHE LOVES THE BOTTLE NOW! Hooray, mama! My hard work paid off. London takes the bottle anytime usually if she's not mad first! She sucks it down and then demands nursing, of course but hey, it's a start and I am one happy mama! She loves when I say "mama-ma-ma-ma" hence the smile I got in the photo above, she loves when Luke licks her after I put coconut oil all over her, she is obsessed with Lennon more than anything and overall she's a total ham. Just look at these faces...

LEAST FAVORITE THINGS

Trying to roll over, getting stuck on her side or her belly, or when big sister pushes her over and she gets stuck. Yep, that happens a lot. Other than that, she loves everything about anything and is a happy, happy girl! 

Lately she's been waking up more in the middle of the night. What a huge change from last month when she was sleeping anywhere from 7-10 hours a night... Exhaustion for both of us has kicked in but I sneak in a nap with the girls when they nap and all is well with an extra cup of coffee later in the day. She's definitely hit the 4 month sleep regression phase, nursing more often, up more in the night and when she's up... SHE'S UP, wide awake! So, it's time for some more sleep training, some extra midnight snuggles and I have to say, even though it's exhausting I kind of love the extra snuggles and kissing her sweet head while she nurses back to sleep. PS - The truth is, I never thought I would LOVE breastfeeding. I mean, I thought it was going to suck, and some days it does don't get me wrong... but I really love it and I love the bond between us. 4 months going strong, I never thought I would make it this far and now I am so proud of myself I did! I am really excited to watch her grow and develop into her own little personality that is already so huge! She makes everyone laugh when she giggles, her smile lights up the room and her eyes are as bright as the blue sky. She really is our pride and joy and Lennon loves every minute of being a big sister... finally. :)

Happy 4 months little Lon.

XO.

Self Realization

Kaila and the really, really, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day rough week. YES, I said week and YES I know it's only Tuesday. (FML)

Preface - London is three months old now and demanding even more attention  She's clingy, she's fussy when she's not being held, she plays for a bit then wants a change of scenery, etc. Baby life, ya know. Well, then Lennon is in this phase where she is desperate for our attention and there's just not enough time in the day to do everything we used to do together. We craft, we play games, we read, we watch TV together while London's nursing, but in her mind it's never enough.

So this week has been especially rough.

I've been so stressed out about my family, Dan is away on a business trip, and I am left here with the girls. It's really hard and the anxiety and stress of it all sucks, SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS. Mom truth - I yelled at Lennon today. I yelled at her to be quiet after asking her politely (what seemed to be) over 100 times. Then of course, my yelling is what actually woke London up not Lennon. Grr. So, I sent her to her room for a time out because of her lashing out at me. (Hypocritical, right? I suck at mom life). She came out and huffed and puffed at me, stomped her feet and told me I was mean. In my mad moment I looked at her and said "go to your room and don't ever come back out". I was crying after that. Crying because of exhaustion and frustration, mad and sad, and all in all just pissed that I am here alone doing the work of twenty. 

Raising two kids is tough! Most days leave me wondering if I am really cut out for this, and I don't really know if I was cut out for this job. Everyone says two is twenty and three is three... and after this I can tell ya, I am so done at two. In the moments where I am nursing London to sleep the house needs to be calm and quiet for the most part because she's becoming more and more distracted while she's nursing. I am feeling guilty of the times that I tell Lennon "five more minutes and I will play with you", then twenty go by and it's lunch time, half hour goes by and then it's time to do something else or by that time London is up. It's hard to keep track of the hours in the day when it's consumed with an infant tugging at your breast and a toddler tugging at your leg. Both, equally needing your undivided attention in that moment and both going to go bat shit crazy if you don't give it to them. 

Before baby #2, Lennon and I did everything together, 24.freakin.7. We played games, we took walks, we went to the park, the mall, the museum, the pool, Target, you name it... we did it. It was EASY, it was quick and most of all it was fun with her and I. You know, she talks and laughs and giggles and is potty trained, low maintenance and all around a great kid to hangout with... a baby, not so much. We laugh so hard together when I am present, when I am ME and when I am in a good mood... and I miss that. I need that back! 

This week I questioned myself a lot. I asked myself if I could do this anymore, be a mom? a stay at home mom of two? be a working mom? I don't know. Many times I have wanted to give up but I know that I can't. Tonight, Lennon reminded me of why I can't and why I am enough even in all of my craziness. Tonight I put London to bed, showered with Lennon and then laid with her to read books. She grabbed her favorite Dr. Seuss book and she insisted on reading it to me. SHE read ME a book! She knew the whole story with certainty, read it with excitement and giggled the entire time as the story is funny - DUH, it's Dr. Seuss. Every page, almost exact words she read with a smile on her face. The look in her eyes was priceless "Hop on Pop..." she goes on, she laughs and turns the next page with anticipation. When the book was over she screeched "Mom I did it, I really did it!!!" and gave me a high-five! I told her great job and said laughing, "Where did you learn to read all of that?" She giggled and said, almost sarcastically, "You, mom. I learned it from YOU because you always read it to me and I remembered". 

Cue the tears. 

So, tonight I cuddled, snuggled, kissed and prayed with my little Lennon and told her how proud of her I am and always will be. She shared stories about school and how her day went, how she loves to read and play and she's happy I can stay home. Tonight I realized that this is what I am supposed to do, I can do this and it's paying off. Tonight I regret my harsh words, my tone of voice and being so mean sometimes. In that moment tonight with her I was so proud of her, so happy for her and that.... that's what makes this whole mom life so freakin' worth it. 

I am enough. I can do this. 

My silly, giggly, fun loving threenager & I in life's laughable moments...

London | 3 Months

3 months have gone by already... I am so thankful that we are out of the "4th trimester" some call it, and we are both much happier on a daily basis! London is changing so much everyday, I just love it. FINALLY we are out of the newborn phase that's pretty much consisted of eat, sleep, poop, repeat every two hours non-stop. Thankfully, we were blessed with a good baby. She's been sleeping anywhere from 7-10 hours a night, waking once to eat and falls back asleep next to me. 

FAVORITE THINGS

smiling, giggling, trying to grab the butterfly on her play mat, bath time, talking back and forth with Lennon, when Lennon giggles at her she smiles, when Luke licks her (which is after every bath when coconut oil is applied!), nursing, being in her Tula, and most recently... being outside!

LEAST FAVORITE THINGS

bottles, pacifiers - anything that's not mamma, being set down, laying down on your chest where she can't see anything, being ignored. She's not spoiled people... we're calling it Diva status! We're working on it but apparently she's catching onto this princess gig big sister has going on. 

She's very photogenic, as you can see. We recently took Easter photos, (family, you're getting one in the mail soon), London laughed and giggled the entire time I said "Londdyyyy..." and shook a toy in her face, haha! She loves to be out and about which makes running errands with two a little easier. We love wearing her in the Tula, and going outside when it's nice out and of course, loves being naked in her cute little diapers and bows. 

Happy 3 months, little London.

My 40 Days - Social Media Free

As a mom in today's world I often feel smothered, judged, and consumed. I'm a stay at home mom yet my time is consumed with social media; blogging, Instagram posting, FB'ing to follow the latest trends. I'm always making sure I'm on top of things and dreaming of my kids have the newest, cute clothes and the latest limited edition cloth diaper and name brand baby products. Tonight I read a blog a mom wrote that was about how social media is making her a bad mother, not living in the moment, and most of all she was neglecting the things that mattered most... her kids. 

Here - read it. It's amazing!! http://www.babble.com/mom/computer-addiction-internet-time-with-kids/

I couldn't have written the blog better myself - it's like she was me, in my shoes, in my house with the laptop being next to the couch... I mean, come on! Seriously, it was my life in a nutshell. And, it was awful looking at it that way. It shed some light on what I've known for a long time. Social media and I have a love hate relationship. It's bad. I feel bad knowing that in the morning I catch up on the latest posts while drinking coffee and Lennon watches the iPad... But then an hour goes by and Kelly & Michael is on tv so guess what? I'm consumed. I feel bad that yesterday L asked me at least 5 times to play CandyLand with her and every single time I had a reason why I couldn't. Today I was on my phone everytime London was nursing instead of watching her, starring at her and just taking in the beauty of motherhood. I think what hit me the hardest was she said she was a slave to social media... Interacting with many people on any given day but neglecting the two that mattered most... 

Last year I posted a blog just before Lent about what the next 40 days had in store for me. I vowed to do quite a few things... Read the Bible more, instead of logging onto FB and IG and Pinterest in the mornings log onto the Bible app to read about he verse of the day or better yet... Open a Bible! Pray with Lennon every night and read the Bible with her, put the phones and computers away at night, thank God daily for what he's given us and stop complaining for what I don't have. Too many things on that list revolve around social media. The problem is... I went back to my old, toxic ways right after lent. I was begging for it to be over... Why? To stalk Nickis Diapers for the latest release?, to browse my "friends" Facebook pages of them partying, complaining about life or binge watching Netflix shows? Who cares... I would 100% rather watch my kids play, laugh, learn and enjoy life with them. I would rather text and call my friends than read about their lives on FB. I would rather have my family come see my kids than ask how they're doing on FB. My best friend is encouraging, she's been spending more time with her kids and making sure we still have time for each other. Our chats have been amazing, how to be better moms and be more present with our kids. Simplifying our lives, less clutter and less mess. We have learned to be moms these past few years and it's changed us for the best. 

This year I'm making it a promise to myself and my husband, my kids and my family to be more present. Not just over lent but over the entire year to change my lifestyle. No more hour long Facebook sessions just because I'm stuck nursing or laying with Lennon at nap time, no more IG all night while I'm nursing London to sleep. Instead, I'll embrace the cuddles, stare at London while she's nursing, kiss her cheeks, watch movies with my husband at night, chat with him about real things and not stupid-funny Facebook memes. I will start to read the Bible more this year with my family and not just on the weekends at church. It begins with a simple X. X to close out the apps on my phone I frequent most and putting my computer away... After all, I only use it to chat on FB when my thumbs get tired on my phone. Lazyyyyy. But, most of all I need to be a better mom, a better wife and a better me. It starts now... Cheers to my 40 days, and making them count forever. 

This . Is. Everything. 

Off to spend time with these little bundles of joy! 

Mommin' is Tough

It's Saturday...

I've been puked on - all down the front of me, in her carrier and all over her

(and had to clean it with my sleeve) then got home and realized I have dried puke in my wedding ring, under my FitBit and down my arm... lovely.

I was kicked, growled at and was called a "mean mom" by a 3 year old,

I attempted Target with two kids (I will never do that again before coffee!),

I wrestled an angry toddler into her carseat with one hand while maintaining what little sanity I had left in the Target parking lot (hence kicking, screaming, growling).

I prayed on the way to Starbucks 

(for traffic to move faster and for the strength to not hit my child in the backseat!),

I cranked up the car radio to drown out screaming children 

(and it was totally inappropriate music!),

I got home and unloaded groceries while leaving said screaming children in the car for five more minutes,

Lennon had leftover cold pancakes for lunch,

London nursed until she spit up on my boob, then passed out... in the spit up,

I have two loads + diaper laundry to do and I'd rather sip my coffee and blog about it.

No one said being a mom is easy but,

no one said it was this f'ing hard either. 

I wake up in the morning and pray for a good day, I go to bed and pray for a good night.

I pray a lot, and I pray hard. God, are you listening? Because, I need a break. 

I am a very lucky woman, I will admit that. 

I have an amazing support team with my friends and family and most of all my husband but some days... like today... I want to quit. 

Why did I choose the only job you can't quit?

I cried on the way home while listening to my favorite songs wondering where I went wrong as a mother to have such a crabby, mouthy toddler who acts up in a store, screams like someone is kidnapping her and then doesn't stop the entire way out of the store... then I realized that she's JUST LIKE ME. Shit.

I drove to Starbucks with the music up, hoping to drown them out and when I get to the window the barista says "Oh someones not happy..." 

I just smirked and said, "Mom life... it's awesome!" 

(or as my friend would say... "little blessings!!")

Once we finally got settled in at home Lennon came up to me hugged me, kissed my arm and said "mom, I'm sorry I was so bad at Target I just really wanted to carry your keys."

First thought: You did all of that over some damn keys???

Second thought: You're sweet, adorable and I love you...

Third thought: I live in a crazy house!

After a few cartoons, snacks and cuddles she finally went to her room to relax and as I am typing this during a much needed break I hear her playing barbies and running around her room. I seriously cannot get a break. Let it go... deep breaths...

Being a mom is tough. 

Being a stay at home mom is tougher.

You constantly have to choose between peeing, eating or showering during the little nap times you get during the day. You're constantly battling loud noises during the babies nap time, a barking dog, throwing toys in the air, needing to wipe poopy butts or do laundry because of puked on clothes and you don't have any clean yoga pants... That's a serious problem, Nursing with one arm, wiping a butt with the other, trying to wash both hands, it's a task but only moms can do it.

All moms have days like this and if they say they don't they're lying to your face!

I wish there was a magic button to turn off their busy minds, go on silent mode and just fall asleep at nap time but there's not. There's only pots of coffee, snacks and chocolate to keep moms like me from losing it on a daily basis.

Thank you, Starbucks & gangsta rap for saving my sanity today, tomorrow and always.

XO.

London | 6 Weeks

It's been a whirlwind these past 6 weeks since London arrived into our world. We are finally adjusting to life with two, being a family of 4, morning and evening routines, and running errands - which is really hard with two. Hey, I am saving money by not running to Target every day :) I could NOT make it through my day without Dan helping out in the mornings. He feeds Luke, lets him out, feeds Lennon, gets some cartoons on TV and I am able to sleep for a little bit more while London sleeps in. Thank God! 

We made it to church last weekend and even better -London slept the entire night! This week I mastered my fear as a new parent and took the girls to open gym. I took my amazing Solly baby wrap to carry her in and of course she was hungry... so I also conquered my fear of nursing in public for the first time ever! I was so proud of myself. 

Lately London has been sleeping less and less, HELLO 6 week growth spurt! She cluster feeds at night still... that's a love/hate relationship, test of my patience and sometimes makes me feel like I am going crazy. Thankfully, I have an amazing support group that lets me cry, vent, scream, tell all my deepest feelings to and not feel alone. I love my Kindara friends, they truly are a blessing! Otherwise, London is generally a very happy girl. She smiles more now, loves when Luke licks her and plays by her, and when she's crying Lennon sings to her. Being a mom of two sure is beautiful! 

So... let me tell you about the not so fun part of motherhood - POOP! Yes, it's fun... when you're using cloth diapers! 

Since London was out of the meconium phase - yuck - we began using cloth diapers. We began with prefolds and newborn covers and let me tell ya, PREFOLDS SUCK. SUCK, SUCK, SUCK. Yes, they hold the pee and poo, and they work well, however I don't have patience for sitting there and folding, twisting, snapping, etc. before she pees again or wiggles her way out of it. So you better believe I was so happy when she gained some weight to allow me to use Best Bottoms covers and snap in inserts. My grandma says this cloth diapering is cheating compared to the way they did it in her day with pins and prefolds with rubber covers. haha! Let me tell ya, non-cloth mama's this is AMAZINGLY easy! After having a friend introduce me to the world of cloth, researching the 100's of different ways you can cloth diaper a baby, buying - returning - buying more, I finally found a fool proof cloth diaper system that works! The cute prints helped too! :) 

I owe it to Nicki's diapers online support group and website for helping me make my decision to go to Best Bottoms cloth diapers, and of course Amy for encouraging me into this by bragging about how easy it is! I am so happy that I did! I ended up buying a package of Best Bottoms which will fit birth through potty training! The covers and inserts snap in together, when it's dirty you unsnap, throw in the wash and voila! SO SO SO EASY, adorable and CHEAP! Have you seen the disposable vs. cloth comparison online? Cloth literally saves you over $1,000 if you do it birth - potty training! (even the off brand disposables are throwing money away!) Oh, and the laundry? Washing poop? You don't even see it or smell it or touch it if your baby is breastfed, if not you have to rinse it... haven't gotten to that point yet but don't worry, I will post about it when I get there. :) 

Get this... I bought my initial stash for about $200 (9 covers and 24 inserts) here - Nicki's Diapers and then of course I keep buying diapers because they're so cute. That package is serisouly all the diapers you NEED to get you through diapering your baby until potty training. However, if you're anything like me and my friends you'll keep buying all the diapers because they're ADORABLE. If you're having a baby I seriously encourage you to look into cloth and give it a shot. My friend and I both swore we would never do it and now we are wishing we did it earlier! Oh, the money we could have saved!!!

Here's my little fluff butt girl ....