I have been in school now, off and on, for 10 years. I began going to the community college when I was 18 years old, just out of High School and I loved every single minute of it. I loved the early wake-up's, the coffee smell as I walked through the commons area, the friendships, the involvement... all of it. I wanted so badly to be out on my own that I did everything I could to move out of my parents house. I ended up quitting school to work full time and pay rent.
I met Dan, we had Lennon, we both worked full time and she went to a daycare, which we loved! Then I thought maybe going back to school would work at that time, so I started taking online classes. Dan was also in school and encouraged me that I could do it... that lasted all of two classes and I quit. It was way too time consuming being a full time working mom.
Then, we moved, I got a new job, I lost said new job, I became a stay at home mom.
I had a lot more time on my hands now... or so I thought.
I wanted to do it all; pinterest craft mom, baking mom, clean home, organized life, happy... right? I thought I could take on all of that and go back to school. Once London got a little older I realized it was time to fulfill my dream of getting my Bachelor's degree and that meant going to school. I signed up for classes yet again, online. I loved my first class, Psychology. I am so in love with the mind, and how it works, how it helps us or hinders the mentally ill. I love it!
Well, truth is... I was becoming a bad mom.
I never had time.
I had time for school work, but never school work + laundry + cooking a healthy dinner + playing with the kids.
Online school is time consuming.
The time that London naps I would do homework, which is becoming less and less time as she grows so that means taking away time from Lennon, taking away time from both of them and then taking away time from meal planning, healthy living and playing outside for all of us.
I realized I was missing out on the most special moments of my girls' life at home when I was supposed to be engaging with them, letting them be creative and explorative, and most of all letting them know I was actually paying attention and that I cared about what they were doing and telling me. Instead I found myself saying; "I'm busy right now...", or "I am doing homework, I will play with you in a second." (hours go by and I realize they are still asking for me to play with them and I've been indulged in my book and computer for the entire day. I was missing out on the moments like these: London putting her baby to bed, feeding Luke, eating cereal with a spoon like a big girl, and coming up to me laughing with her superhero crown on.
&... Lennon's special moments like her and Maci giggling their head off while eating lunch together, even her mischevious moments like getting her own snack because me saying "I'll get you a snack when I can" turned into 1 hour later and she's starving. Lennon's silly moments like spilling water all over herself and giggling uncontrollably, and her being so sweet with her pets that she's a Vet for (her dream job).
I was missing way too much to be a good mom. I know, there's give and take and there's something to be said for a child that can create their own games, play alone and be creative. But, when you overhear you 4 year old saying "I can't talk to you right now, I am BUSY!" or "I don't have time for you right now, I have homework"... "Im sorry, Lizzy (her doll) I can't play with you I have to read". It makes your heart sink into your stomach, and then that stomach comes up into your throat like you're going to be sick from emotion. I cannot express how sad it made me when I heard her talking to her dolls like that when it was her play time.
The reality set in of me not spending enough time with my kids when they really need me. These young years of their lives are crucial and so important to me, and them. I need them to be happy. The advice I got when I talked about quitting was "do homework at night", "do homework when the kids go to bed, I will do the chores"... That doesn't work, how would my marriage flourish? How would I have any time to breathe, let alone spend time watching the Bachelor at night with Dan and have a glass of wine? (I am being totally serious!) This school thing was taking all of my time that's so crucial to ME, MY FAMILY and my home happy....
I love psychology, I really do. I love the thrill of learning it, writing about it, and reading about it. I love, love, love it and I want to help people, truly. It has always been a passion of mine and always will be. I just think that there's more out there for me. When I get this degree, I thought to myself, will I really want that job that's 12 hour shifts, on-call work, never ending research studies and then not to mention there's the emotional toll it takes on you. Do I really want that career?
I don't think so.
I am focusing on my life from now on being fulfilling and rewarding. Sure, a Bachelor's degree seems rewarding for most people in life. But I am a mom, and that's the most soul warming, fulfilling job ever.
Until my next adventure comes along I will be the BEST mom I can be, I will play with my kids for hours, I will enjoy those silly moments and try not to miss a thing. I will be present - and that's all that matters. In Gods plan I know that it may be months or maybe years from now that I will be working full time on another dream of mine. My kids will both be in school, I will be working full time and I will have this time as a stay at home mom to reflect on and be so thankful for. I need to cherish this time, not spend it with my face in a computer.
That is why quitting that dream is the best decision I have ever made.
XO, K.
